Not What It Seems.

The Hangout? Pt 2.

I woke up today feeling a little bit sick. I dont know what's wrong but my head hurts so bad and I feel like my feet are so heavy. I got dressed and when I looked in the mirror I just cried. I've always thought pretty highly of myself but I feel like the ugliest person in the world rn. I have depression. Youre probably thinking "ugh this girl has got some issue's" which is true. Depression sucks too especially since it takes so many people's lives. The 2 most common forms of depression are the "Super unmotivated, hard to get out of bed, feeling hopeless." And the "this is so fucking stupid, I hate my life and everyone around me, why do I deserve this". Mine is actually neither. Mine is bipolar depression. One moment I can be happy as can be having a good time but the next I could be feeling like my legs are too heavy to walk, I hate myself and my life, I feel unworthy of anything (especially anyone's love).

Even though I had tears running down my face, I sucked it up like the bad bitch that I am, and did my makeup. I litterally just do mascara. Sometimes I do eyeshadow but too many people ask questions about it when I do so I stopped. I make my ways down stairs and ask my mom if she can pick me up from school even though I know shes probably gonna be busy (as usual) instead she suprises me with a "Yeah that should work, have a good day." " Thanks, mom" I shout as I'm running out the door trying to grab my backpack but it got stuck on a nail and ripped half way up the damn bag. Like just my luck. I situate it carefully on my back before continuing to rush to the bus stop. I get there and see my Bestfriend, "Heyy, lex" I yell out. "Hey, bitch" she replied. We got to talking about Grace and knowing that Lexi had been out for a while kind scares me because I dont want lex developing a crush on her. I'm not one of those people that thinks gay people have a crush on everyone of the same gender but Grace seemed to be Lexi's type and I needed time to see if I really did like Grace or not before lex comes swooping in on her.

I got so into detail about Grace that I didn't even see the bus pull up, like they were literally shutting the door as I ran up to it. I get on and guess who's there....Leonardo Dicap- jkjk it was Grace. I sit down next to her as it was the only open seat. Its kinda nice tho. She smells like a field of flowers. Mixed with weed. I litterally love it. I dont what it is about her energy...just being close to her is awesome I can feel her personality just radiating from her.

It felt like we were talking for so long that we thought we were at the school already. But instead we were just kinda in the middle of no where. It was kinda eerie but we didnt pay it much attention. It's not that unusual to switch school routes especially if there is construction or something. We talked for a little while more about nonsense and fun facts about our selves. I had shared, that physical contact helps when I'm having an anxiety attack. I started getting anxious because of all the noise on the bus and I guess I wasn't hiding it that well because Grace reached over and and grabbed my hand from off the seat and held it. She looked me in the eyes and said "I hope I make you feel safe"

This feeling is unexplainable but I guess it's kinda like my heart has a bunch of tiny fireworks shooting from it, and those are fire works are burning every inch of my body. A good kind of burn. We just sat there jamming to britney spears on her phone. It made me feel something I had never felt before, I call it "had". Basically super happy and sad at the same time. Like I'm so happy that I found this amazing girl that makes me feel like I'm living a sappy rom-com romance but sad because 1. I didn't find her sooner and 2. I could lose her if I'm stupid. All this overthinking almost led me to ANOTHER anxiety attack but just as I grasped her hand tighter... the bus slammed into a tree and everything went black.