i've recently learned how it feels to be wanted
i've learned what it feels like to be someone's first choice
when you knew me, that's all i'd ever dreamt of
i'd hide myself away in a small and passive voice
i would wait for someone to pick me
i would wait for someone to tell me i was good enough
i would wait and wait and wait like i was trapped in a cage hoping for someone to let me out
and perhaps, maybe i was
to me, that's what made it okay
i let my empty, drunk abyss rip holes from beneath your feet
i watched as my lips spat hate, disguised as humor, while my mind couldn't have been more detached
i would wait and wait and wait and wait
then it didn't come and i had nothing left
you tore and shook and broke and stole what was left of me
so i stole and broke and shook and tore what i knew you held dear
you gave me years of friendship and harmony
but we were stuck in a tunnel and there was no light at the other side
you told me a secret, you trusted me to keep quiet
you let me in when i begged, you showed me who you are
yet the only thing i knew how to do was to tear it to shreds
we rolled down a cement path, not alone, in a small group
somehow your head ended on the cobblestone wall to the right and it was my fist that put it there
i caused you pain, i cost you money, and i still couldn't apologize
because nothing is my fault, right?
bad things don't happen to you, they happen to me
you don't struggle
you don't fight
you don't walk into your own home and fear that if you say the wrong thing—
bad things don't happen to you, they only happen to me
i'm the one that's too ugly to be photographed
i'm the one that's never invited anywhere
i'm the annoying attention whore that's too fat to be wearing that dress
everyone that's ever been nice or loved me does it because they have to
when people look at me, the joy in their face falls
and so i wait
i was still waiting when i met her
i was still waiting for the coming crash
when i realized that sisters, blood or water, do not leave
when two souls are connected, not in romance but in understanding, there is a bond that cannot be severed
my un-blooded sister does not need me, she wants me
and there are no words to describe the difference that makes
sometimes i fear that is more than you could ever say about anyone because when you have what i have, there is nothing in this world that compares
i am sorry to those i have hurt while i was hurting, myself, but i will not apologize for choosing me over you when i grew tired of being dragged by the neck from your hands through the mud
you hurt me, i hurt you
in half of a decade, she has done no such thing and i refuse to destroy what we have become
you tore and shook and broke and stole
she loves and sews and gives and pushes me to be better
i recently learned how it feels to be wanted
and i can only hope i've done the same for her
