What is the point to life anymore?
There are no more reasons.
Life just sucks. If I was playing a game right now. I would have a quarter of a heart, no weapons, and wouldn't be motivated enough to go collect food. My mom wants to yell at me and ask why I have no social skills and dont have friends. Well I wonder why? I've spent most of my life contained in my room after we fought and after I got hurt in a friendship I became very defensive and tried to be off-putting. After we moved to a different place. Then she decided to move me again because it would "better my future" and then she says she doesn't want me to end up like her. And yet I'm over here feeling the worst I could possibly be in my life and she's just making breakfast for my brother. My chest shoots me with pain. Like my heart stabs itself whenever I breath. I hate looking weak. I hate feeling feelings. I don't want to see another human being in my life. I want to end myself. And I know no one cares. But still I'm here. Honestly I'm surprised I'm still on this planet. Living this life. Things seem really good up until I fall and no one catches me. Sometimes I look up the painless and quickest way to end it. I get everything ready and I'm thinking about it and then I feel selfish? Why, why? Why is there emotion in the world why must there be sadness and happiness. Its unfair that some of us can only feel happy for so little time and then its back to the normal. The normal of hating everyone around you but most of all hating yourself. This morning I had this overwhelming urge to grab a knife and kill someone. I wanted to so bad it felt wrong. I hated that feeling. Why would I want to hurt someone. And I know I say I hate humans and yeah I do but that was almost too much. My body tries to protect my heart so much it still hurts. My mom, dad, Yaya, and Selah just thinks its something that will pass over. But it just keeps repeating itself. How long will this go on before I finally just decide to cut off everyone and just finally commit to my thoughts. To hurt someone else or myself. I know deep down that later in life I will end up hurting myself again but I just need to wait until that time comes once more.
No one around me takes my insomnia seriously. I can never sleep. Last night I went to sleep at around 9 and then I woke up to see my brother still sleeping and then I checked the time. It was 11:49pm so I said okay let me try again. I then woke up again at 1am. I wonder if I have depression sometimes and I know my mom thinks I do but she still never checks. I don't think my mom cares anymore. I don't think she wants to care for someone who doesn't even love themself. She wants to say to me and my brother get your own silverware but then proceeds to grab my dads plate with the food and silverware on it. That just annoys me. I remember when my dad hit my mom and she's still with him. Why? Its not like I ever had a dad when I was born. He was never there. My uncle and my selah were the only ones who were ever fully there for me and my mom at that time. But now my uncles gone doing drugs. At this point my dad's the substitute. My mom only stayed with him because he was my dad. It doesn't feel like it though. My mom doesn't even feel like my mom anymore. I hate the feelings that I'm feeling. I feel like myself is giving myself mixed signals or something. Like there are three different halves to myself. Personally I think I should go to the doctor or hospital or something to see what I'm diagnosed with. I know I have something because I've felt this way ever since I was in fourth grade. I was like 9-10 then. Why would a child feel that way? But now my sleep tiredness is kicking in so I have to go.
Happy February 1st. I'm probably going to come back around the 20th or so. I just can't handle my emotions right now.
Love you guys...
