Alpha Grayson|✔️

13| Keep Fighting

TW⚠️- Self Harm, Suicide

I thought things might get better but they haven't. The more I'm away from him, the more I crave him, his touch. Not like he touched me anyway. My heart aches constantly and I'm done with it. I'm fine with the physical pain. But the emotional aches. I can't deal with it anymore. I've dealt with it for two fucking weeks, thinking it'll go away but it hasn't and I'm starting to think it never will.

I stood in the bathroom, in front of the mirror. I stared at my reflection. My brown hair was in a knotted mess on top of my head. The outline of my bones stood out. I looked disgusting. I felt disgusting.

I grabbed the knife I hid in here a while ago and admired it. I stared at it for a moment or two before pressing it against my skin. The sharp silver end burnt my skin and for some reason, it made me feel alive. It made me feel not numb. Though it lasted for a moment, it felt heavenly.

This I liked. The physical pain numbs the emotional one. The emotional pain is unbearable. It makes you feel like you're being suffocated and it makes you feel hopeless. There's been times at night where I've just wanted to rip my fucking heart out because it won't stop aching.

I wish I had spoken then. I wish I had accepted it and rejected him too. I would've saved myself all of the pain, something he most likely won't be feeling.

This pain has nothing to do with our relationship. It's the mate bond that's making me feel this way. Without that, I would've been fine.

Suddenly, the door was thrown open. I turned to face whoever it was with the knife in my hand, still pressed up against my skin which was burning, only it felt nice for some reason. "What are you doing?," my mom asked slowly. I didn't reply and it's not like she expected me to since I still haven't spoken a word. Words feel pointless especially if I can't explain how I'm feeling.

"If you feel like you have to do this to stop the pain, don't do it. Because the pain will come back the second that feeling wears off. You'll want to do it again and again because it makes you feel good. So don't do it because this feeling won't last forever."

I stayed still, not daring to move knowing that everything she said was completely right. My hold on the knife loosened as my eyes teared up. "W-will this a-aching feeling ever g-go away?," I stuttered struggling to pronounce the words, my voice cracking. My moms eyes widened in shock at the fact that I spoke.

"Over time, it will get better sweetheart," she spoke softly. "You just have to be patient and get though each day."

"I-I don't think I-I can," I sobbed out, struggling to string the words into a sentence. "I-I can't wait I-I want to feel b-better now."

"I promise that the pain will slowly disappear and one day you look back at this painful time and not feel anything because you would've healed."

"Y-You can't promise s-something you h-have no control o-over."

"You're right. I have no control over the situation," she agreed. "But I understand how you're feeling."

"N-No, you don't! You d-don't have the s-slightest idea," I sniffled. "I-I feel like I-I'm drowning and t-there's no w-way u-up."

"I do understand. You feel suffocated too and you feel like you're stuck in this never ending cycle."

"Y-You get it b-but you've n-never felt i-it."

I have. My mate rejected me." I held my breath causing the knife to clatter as it landed in the sink. "Your father wasn't my mate originally. It was a man from the pack I was born in. He was everything you'd want to stay away from but I thought he'd change for me. We tried the whole mate thing but it didn't work out. He couldn't stop bring home women. He just couldn't stay loyal. I was in so much pain all the time. I felt like I was being suffocated constantly. One day, he had enough of me arguing with him over the different women and he rejected me. I was in so much pain and I thought it would all be worth it in the end. I never accepted it until a few months later because I believed we'd end up getting back together. After I accepted it, I met your dad. He's my second chance mate. I'm so happy that I ended up with your dad. The same could happen for you.Just don't give up. Keep fighting."

"I won't g-get my happy e-ending, mom. I won't." With that, I dropped to my knees suddenly feeling hopeless. My mom rushed to my side and held me. "M-Mom, my heart hurts so fucking much," I sobbed out. "I-I just want it to s-stop!" I cried for hours in my moms arms for my loss even though he wasn't really dead.

-

"Hey, kid," my dad greeted me as I made my way to the kitchen.

"Hey," I said quietly. Without a word of warning, he wrapped his arms around me tightly. For once, I felt safe and protected like nothing out there could ever hurt me. When we pulled away, I made a decision in a split second. "Dad, I t-think I need to move packs." He looked at me confused.

"Why do you need to move?"

"It's too close to his pack. I need to go to a new pack and start fresh. Please dad, I need this." He let out a sigh.

"I'll speak to the Alpha about this." I nodded my head and wiped away a stray tear. I watched as he left the house to go to the pack house with my mom. My mom wouldn't leave me home alone in case I breakdown again so she left me with Liam.

Not like he'd be much help.

"I always knew Alpha Grayson was a asshole," he grumbled out. "I just wanna punch his face again and again. He doesn't deserve you. He never did. You're too good for him."

I managed to crack a small smile but hearing his name caused a sharp pain in my heart. I fell to my knees on the floor and let out a groan. "W-What's wrong?" Liam came towards me and stopped in his place. For some reason, he couldn't come any closer. It was like there's an invisible wall around me. I tugged on my clothing pulling it away from my neck like I was being suffocated.

What's going on?

I suddenly fell to the ground on my stomach. I could feel my body violently shake but I couldn't do anything to stop it. I watched helplessly and in pain as Liam walked back and forth panicked with the phone pressed to his ear as he watched me in horror. Soon, my body stopped moving.

In the next couple of moments, breathing was a struggle. I couldn't get enough air in. I was panicking now even though it didn't seem like it. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I could hear my own heartbeat slow down. I could hear my parents yelling as they rushed through the house. They banged on the invisible wall before leaning against it and talking to me, even though nothing they were saying was processing through my brain.

Minutes later, I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel anything. My vision went black.