Black & White

17: A craving for perfection

Trigger Warning! This chapter contains detailed scenes consisting of the following topics: eating disorders, body dysmorphia.

Thank you, you may proceed now. If you wish, of course :)

***

I woke up with my head pounding from the terrible night of sleep I had.

After the underground fight, Sasha took us home. The whole way, all I could do was replay the conversation I had with Austin, over and over again. I felt lost, confused, and if I'm being honest...unwanted. I suddenly felt not good enough, just like I did throughout my childhood. It was a strange nostalgic feeling, in no way good.

My mind was working overtime, trying to come up with a valid explanation for everything that happened. That was when it came back. The feeling I had forgotten about. The feeling I spent a whole year trying to rid myself of. The feeling that could've killed me, but didn't. A craving for perfection. I knew I was slowly slipping back into my old habits. It was clear as day. I already planned everything I would do when I got home. I knew I wouldn't eat anything. I knew I would walk up and down the stairs until I would nearly faint. That's how I was sure of it. I was relapsing.

Sasha dropped us off and left to pick up Caleb, so I was left with Tara.

Tara offered to have a sleepover but I lied to her, saying I had an awful headache and just wanted to be alone. I felt bad about lying to her. But the sadly familiar voice in my head told me it was fine. I knew it wasn't but I had to do what the voice told me to do. If I wanted to be perfect, that is. If I wanted to be good enough. If I wanted to be what I've always wanted to be. Who, you might ask? Well, if I was at least half of what Gina was, maybe my life would be completely different.

I spent all night writing in my old, forgotten journal. I set myself goals, telling myself the exact amount of time I had to reach them. I measured myself, writing every single detail down. My head was ready to explode by the time I was done. It was 3 am. I had school in the morning. But I didn't care. I had to do this. I had to make sure that I would follow through with everything I planned. It was too late to back out. I already allowed myself to indulge in the thought of succeeding. It was far too late...

This morning, I planned to go on a run before taking a quick shower and heading to school. And that was exactly what I was going to do.

I got out of bed, groaning. Thank God my mother isn't here to see me go on a run so early in the morning. On second thought, she probably wouldn't notice. And if she would, she wouldn't give a damn. Yep, that sounds about right!

I grabbed some painkillers, popping a pill for my headache with a glass of water. That was when I saw myself in the mirror. I was wearing last night's outfit because I fell asleep in it. I looked like a mess. I looked like my mother's worst nightmare. Quickly, I stripped out of the dress and put on some workout clothes instead, thankful that I took my makeup off yesterday.

Once I washed my face and brushed my teeth, I jogged out the back door. I made sure to put a timer on so that I knew exactly how long I would be running for.

I ran down the street, occasionally flashing smiles and waving at my neighbors. They were nice people for the most part. Some of them, however, were my mother's friends. And I didn't feel like meeting one of those on my run.

***

I stopped running just as my house's gate came into sight. I heaved for air, feeling slightly lightheaded. Take deep breaths. Calm your heartbeat. Get it together.