A Sign Of Four [Johnlock]

What if it did mean something?

London, March 14th

I just don’t know what to do. I think I cannot work with Sherlock any longer. This is getting not only ridiculous but also really annoying. I will not put my marriage in danger only because my body thinks it would be a good idea to develop an irrational crush on my best friend! I simply refuse to do so! This cannot continue.

When I came home yesterday after the closet incident I tried to sleep. But I could not. I watched Mary sleeping peacefully and the only thing I felt was guilt. That is not how it was supposed be! Not long ago my heart nearly burst of love every time I looked at her and now I just feel sick of myself. I got up and went into Lizzy’s room. I watched her and thought about the consequences this could have for her. If Mary finds out, will she understand that it means nothing or will she leave? Will my daughter grow up without me because my brain suddenly freaks out?

And then, suddenly, without warning, another thought crept into my head. What if it did mean something? After all I was standing at my daughters bed, thinking about my wife leaving me. What if this, after all, is not what I want, is not what I need? I played around with this thought a little. Maybe it would help to clear my head if I could find arguments why it meant nothing. I thought about how it would feel if Mary left me. It would hurt because she would take Lizzy with her. And because it would feel like I let her down. Like I failed. Then I thought about leaving Sherlock, to stop working with him. And to my horror my heart ached. Pictures of him jumping from that roof shot into my head and tears welled in my eyes. Okay, this was not helping.

I tried many thoughts that night but it always came back to a few simple facts. The right thing is to stay with Mary, to forget that I ever thought about anything else and to stop the work with Sherlock to be there for my family. But it is also clear, that I cannot not leave Sherlock. I just can’t. Maybe it is a leftover of the trauma after his faked death but I cannot do it. I am a guy who always does the right thing, but there was never something so wrong, that felt so existential. Maybe I will crack someday and do something incredibly stupid. But until that day I will try to become a better man and love Mary like she deserves and like I used to do.