The Quiet Kids

Chapter One: Em

03.16.2009

open on 02.05.2021

Leelee,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I love you.

I want to start this letter off with that. I love you, and I'm so sorry that I can't be there to tell you this in person. I've been there for 6 of your birthdays, and I wish more than anything in the world that I could be there for all of them. It's not fair, I know. I know that it hurts you, please know that it is hurting me more than I can imagine. I never thought about not being there to watch you grow....

This letter isn't supposed to be sad. You're 18 today! An adult. The thought of you out there conquering the world makes my heart swell with pride. I hope more than anything that you and your sister are helping each other along the way. I know that my sister was so vital in my life growing up .

Right now, way back in 2009, I'm watching you and Darcy play mermaids in the pool, it's finally warm enough outside for you to swim again and you're so excited. I'm listening to the two of you giggle and splash, taking in all of it while I can. Your dad is sitting by the edge of the pool, watching you so he can intervene if he needs to.

I'm sitting in the shade of the patio, under a million blankets with a knitted beanie on my head. I had my last chemo treatment yesterday. Your dad's eyes have been puffy and swollen from crying.

This is it, my love. This is where I leave you. 6 years old, not a care in the world, splashing and playing with your sister in the sunshine. I wish I could protect you from it. I wish that I could protect you from everything.

By now, you're 18... I'm sure you've already experienced heartbreak and pain by the time you're reading this. But Leelee, I just want to remember you to not close your heart out to love because it is out there.

I have no regrets. I put all of my love into the two of you and your father. I hope that you can feel it and tap into it whenever you need it.

I love you, sweet baby girl. Please come out into nature and talk to me whenever you need it, I promise you I will be listening- even if you cannot hear me.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Kisses,

Momma.

Tears were streaming down my cheek. These letters never got easier to read, but I was so glad that she had taken the time in her illness to write them to me so I have them to open now.

She didn't write them for every single year, just the big ones. The box was so full when my dad first handed it to me, now it was getting empty. Only a handful of letters remained. I would open them on my wedding day, the birth of my first child, and a few more big birthdays. And there were even a few for grandchildren... Darcy had gotten a similar box, the same size as mine. I honestly didn't know how mom had found the energy for them.

I folded the letter back, placed it in the birthday card and set it in my purse. I liked to carry them with me for the day to have a piece of her with me, then I put them in another box up at the top of my closet to keep them safe. They were all I had left of her- that and the locket that I wore around my neck. She left us in July of 2009, when I was 6 years old. I missed her every single day.

I was glad she decided to include a letter for 18. This past year had just been so bad. I needed to hear from her. It was kind of sad, but the thought of making it to open this letter from her was one of the only things that kept me around. 17 was awful to me, to put it lightly. A year that I didn't think I could ever heal from. The wounds were still so fresh, I could feel them seeping into 18 and the year hadn't even begun yet.