the hurting / the healing

55

from the day my mother taught me what love meant
and I learned how wonderful it is to find a partner
I have wondered what guys desire
and I have found that as they get older, their standards only become higher

I have tried at every single age to appeal to the males
paying attention to the tiniest of details
I was only eight years old when I first started caring about what boys thought of me
I was nine years old when I started moulding myself into the girl that the opposite sex wanted me to be

I was ten years old when I first received any attention
I was eleven years old when I got my first rejection
for at first from all the girls I was considered to be the best
until my best friend started developing a more prominent chest

I was thirteen years old when I developed my first real crush
it was a boy whose golden hair was always perfectly brushed
whose grades were higher than the average of our class
a golden boy until, years later, I realised who he really was
a not so golden boy that only paid attention to girls with a slim waist
a not so golden boy who wanted girls' vaginas to have a dessert-like taste

I was fourteen years old when I started wearing low-cut T-shirts
only to get comments so foul, I had to replace them with baggy sweatshirts
this was the first but would certainly not be the last time I had to change what I wear
for when I talk to boys it is often not into my eyes that they will stare

I was fifteen years old when I first learnt what a feminist was
and I decided that I was going to be an empowered woman
but I soon realised guys don't want to see their girlfriend in a position of power,
after all, women belong in the kitchen

and so I started asking what type of woman they did like,
unfortunately, the answer never included a female of the intellectual type
instead, I always found myself drowning in phrases that somehow all seemed connected to breasts and butts
a woman with an hourglass body that wouldn't cause too much fuss

I was sixteen years old when I started screaming from the top of my lungs that I was surely a feminist
I was sixteen years old when I started getting harassed for being a women's rights activist
as if my life were worth less than that of an uncle, father or brother
as if we were not all given life by a woman, a loving mother

I was seventeen years old when I was shamed for being a prude
my friend was seventeen years old when she was humiliated for sending nudes
I was seventeen years old when I was told that for men to want me, I would have to show more
my friend was seventeen years old when she was told the touch of a man had made her impure

I have tried at every single age to appeal to men
and have failed again and again and again
too pale, too thin, too smart, too fragile
too polite, too nice, too small, or simply too much to handle

I am now eighteen years old and to this day still don't know the answer to the question
what it is that makes a girl earn a boy's affection
for every guy I have so far met,
has wanted me to change who I am or simply forget
I am now eighteen years old and to this day I have not found a boy that seems to like me for who I am
so I have decided that boys' standards are just a fucking scam.