make you love me- dreamnotfound

The blood is on my hands

i went over to my computer and realised i had just left the call and not turned off my computer or closed discord. i looked at a few messages that i ignored.

i sat down on my bed, leaning against the headboard. i picked up my phone that was on the bed, there were multiple missed calls and messages from george and nick. i was confused, they never usually called me this much. i read some of the messages from george.

georgie💙- clay

georgie💙- clay please pic up

georgie💙- this isnt funny

georgie💙- please nick and me are scared

georgie💙- clay answer

georgie💙- CLAY

georgie💙- PLEASE CLAY!!!

georgie💙- idc if ur mad at me for whatever reason pls just tell me your ok.

georgie💙- clay please

georgie💙- im going to call the cops if you dont reply

georgie💙- clay

georgie💙- please i'm crying

when i read the last message i felt my heart break. i made george cry and it was all my fault. he didn't deserve anyone like me in his life. with shaking fingers i tapped on George's contact, then block contact. i pressed the red button and it took a moment for it to load, before blocking the number.

nick had sent me similar messages but i didn't feel as bad. i blocked him nonetheless. 

TW: self harm (don't self harm, you can talk to me if you want)

i pulled open my draw. taking out a blade. i stared at for a second before holding out my arm. i cut gashed along my wrist. blood dripping onto the bed sheets slowly. i closed my eyes and hissed in pain, but knew i deserved it for making my friends cry. i cut more and more lines along my skin, tears stinging my eyes, but i pushed them back trying not to be a baby.

the pain gets unbearable but i keep going away, slicing skin and running a blade along what was meant to be soft skin. i drop the blade, it missing my foot by an inch, i grab my wrist with my other hand. the pain was so bad but i knew i deserved it. tears fell onto my lap. i took my hand off my fresh cuts and stared at them, there wasn't enough, i haven't learnt my lesson.

i picked up the blade again and continued what i was doing before. the red lines got further up my arm and soon they reached all the way up to shoulder. my entire arm was stained red from the blood. i grow light headed and i decide i should i have a shower so no one would notice it.

i gasp as the cold water gets into my skin. i cry out as the strong water fights its way into my cuts. i close my eyes trying to ignore the pain as soap got into them. i quickly dried off and get out the shower. i don't know what to do since i would usually call george or nick. 

i end up falling asleep again, the cold sheets clinging to my body as i tried to get comfortable. i wished george could be next to me, i wished that every night. i imagined his cute smile that was just for me. i imagined him hugging me and not letting go. i fell asleep thinking of george.

i dream of george. we are both at a beach. we were running around, throwing sand at each other and laughing until our sides hurt. splashing each other with the glistening water and having the times of our lives. i was happy. no scars on my arms. no bags under my eyes. looking full of life, not like the dull, tired person i looked like now. a person who people would take one look at and smile because i  just glowed with happiness and spread it to everyone. maybe the dream was a sight into the future?

but i knew it was a dream. it would never happen. im not good enough for george.

inevitably i woke up, checking my surroundings in the small hope i had that it was real. i got up to get a glass of water. i reached my kitchen and  flipped the light switch with my elbow and the room lit up. i walked over to the cupboard. i reached out my arm to get a cup and saw my wrist again. although it was more of my whole arm. it was red where each scar was, even after my shower.

i sighed, picking up the glass, i filled it with water and made my way back to my bedroom. suddenly i dropped the glass. it shattered on the floor. i stared into space for a moment. i finally stepped over it, saying i would pick it up tomorrow. i got to my room and sat at my desk in my chair. i take out my phone and open snapchat. i see George's story. its of him and a good looking guy.

i take a screenshot and put my phone away.

i want to look like him. 

i want to be that person who is spending time with george.

i want to make george happy, that's why i blocked him.

i look at the picture of the guy.

i look at his hair, its his most stunning feature, it was a beautiful brown colour with highlights of blonde, it was fluffy and slightly curly, it looked really soft. 

i looked in the mirror at my hair, mine was totally different. a dirt blonde colour, flat on my head. i decided on going to the hairdressers, hoping to look better.