No Good at Goodbyes

Chapter 10: Fourteen Months, Part III

Author's Note: Their performance was beautiful *sobs* and yet comments on the youtube video are so mean :( Perpetuating my emotion while writing this book. It's looking like it's gonna be 15-16 chapters long... hope you enjoy. <3

Chapter 10: Fourteen Months, Part III

Mitch sat down on the bed next to the taller man, trying to ignore how the latter swayed too much with the dipping of the mattress.

"My depression... my anxiety... it was so bad, Scott. I was in a constant state of panic. I felt like... I felt like I couldn't breathe, like my lungs couldn't even inflate all the way, sometimes..."

Scott simply nodded, and Mitch was thankful that he didn't try to interrupt with empty words like "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I felt so alone. And no, that doesn't mean that I was alone. My head just... couldn't wrap itself around the fact that I wasn't."

"I get that."

"My therapist told me I should step back before I took it all too far."

Silence.

"I flipped back and forth for weeks before that day. Up until that final moment, I didn't even know what I was going to do. And I knew that if I had given you any warning at all, you would have tried to convince me otherwise. My mental state wouldn't have been able to handle that... to handle that pressure from you... someone I care so much about..."

Mitch's breath hitched as he thought back to that day. About the sound of Scott's pen hitting the table, his chair screeching against the floor.

"And I realized that I made a mistake within the first, what? 24 hours? 24 minutes? Pretty much instantly."

Mitch was biting his nails between his sputtered monologue. He had momentum now, so he was going to take advantage.

"I hate what happened on social media after that. But I had no idea how to stop it. The PR team told us to ignore it as much as possible. Please know that it broke my heart. Please know that any words that are spoken against you go through my heart like a stake. I hate to think of you sitting here thinking that there's any truth to any of this absolute bullshit. But Scott, you were always the strong one of the two of us, so I just prayed that your thick skin would shield you."

Scott's shoulders slumped. Mitch knew that he probably shouldn't word it this way, to fill Scott with shame for how he reacted to what happened. That wasn't fair. The only way out of this was one-hundred-percent honesty, though.

"But to see you disappear? God, Scott... I spiraled even worse. It was the worst I had ever been. Not only did I lose the four of you holding me up and distracting me every day, but I worried that I was going to lose my best friend entirely, forever... I was so terrified that you had done something to yourself. And then to hear that you had?"

"That was an accident." Scott interjected softly, the look of shame in his eyes unmistakable.

"I know, and I thank God for that. I don't know what I would do if you had done that intentionally. But Scott, accidental or not, the fact that we pushed you to that point is absolutely terrifying. I can't lose you, Scott. I think I would die."

Mitch took a deep breath. He wasn't sure how to keep this conversation going. "Kevin and I had been talking about our mistake for months. We shouldn't have asked you all to take us back like that, not on the anniversary of the day we ruined it all. But Scott, our intentions were good, I swear that to you. I swear it."

It was almost as though Mitch could see the life returning to the blue eyes next to him. He was feeling more confident now.

"We were afraid to put pressure on you."