Verbatim

Snowflakes

TW//ANXIETY

I stared at the Discord window for what felt like hours. The empty call left me alone with my anxious thoughts. Is that it? He just leaves? Gosh, he has always flirted with me like that but not with that tone. He didn't mean it. Did he?

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I threw my head back into my hands. Why the hell did I say that? What is that supposed to even mean? I knew I liked her. I don't want to though. She was practically my sister. We spent the night when we were younger. She came over here after school everyday for years. Now covid has us shut in. Being shut in and not being able to see her, much less a therapist is not good.

I closed the Discord window. There was no way I could talk to her right now after what I said. I should explain myself. I should apologize but I can't. I pushed my chair back from my desk. My knees felt weak. I stood up to walk over to my bed but I forgot to take my headphones off. My computer slid forward knocking the keyboard to the floor. The keys of this previously broken keyboard flew into the air. Welp, new keyboard for me.

Without any regard for my smashed gaming product I fell into the warm embrace of my bed. I laid my head on my silk pillow case. I closed my eyes in order to keep all thoughts as far away as possible. Pictures of Kate flashed in my mind. Her silky black hair. Her wide, bright smile. The way her nose moved when she talked. Her freckles that hid almost every inch of her face. Her short stature. Her petite hands that would fit perfectly in mine. She was everything I wanted.

I opened my eyes with a sudden jolt. I can't escape my horrid thoughts if I tried. My stomach felt horrible. I pushed her out of my mind. I stared at my blank wall. The only wall with nothing on it. I laid still in hopes this terrible, ungodly feeling would pass. Despite multiple tries to not think about her thoughts of wrapping my hands around her waist and pulling her close to kiss her gently on the lips flew through my mind. I couldn't take it anymore.

I ran to the bathroom. Just as I walked in I vomited into the toilet. This isn't the first time this has happened. Fear always gets to me this way. But...what am I scared of? Being with her? Her finding out? Losing her if she finds out? After thirty minutes of hunching over the toilet and nauseating stomach pain I gathered enough strength to stand up. I stumbled to the medicine cabinet in search of my anxiety meds. Kate knows about my problem. I was diagnosed with anxiety at the ripe age of four. Multiple therapy visits and constantly being pushed into new hobbies was my families way of fixing me. The only time I wasn't scared was when I played games. That was my coping mechanism.

I popped one of the small white pills in my mouth chasing it down with sink water. I new I needed to go lay down. After one of these spells I don't feel well for hours, but today was different. I still felt weak but I also felt relieved in a sense. A quick walk around around the neighborhood would do me some good.

I walked slowly back to my room making sure to take every turn slowly as to keep the rest of my lunch down. I slipped on my light grey tennis shoes and a heavy sweatshirt. Being in Tennessee in the heart of winter wasn't something taken lightly. With a high of 42* today I knew it would practically be snowing outside. I stepped out onto my small front porch. Much to my surprise it actually was snowing. Small crystals floated past my face like rumors. Whispers of the freezing air was pushed into my ears by the cold breeze.

I picked up a light pace while walking through my circle. Knowing I would pass Kate's house in the process I kept my eyes ahead. Kate would most likely be in her room oblivious to the falling flakes along with my presence. I stopped abruptly at the corner of Kate's street and Springwater Ln. I looked at the blue and grey swirled sky. I felt the tiny snowflakes land on my face just to melt away almost instantly. I could make out the shape of each snowflake on my black hoodie. Kate would love this if she were with me. Watching the snowflakes fall on her perfect nose. The way she would catc-

Josh?

Cat!?

I jumped.

What are you doing out in the cold?

Oh. Uh..I-...I was just...admiring the snow.

Oh.

She knew I was lying. Her nose was all scrunched up.

So um..what are you doing out here?

I was taking Coco for a walk. I didn't know it was snowing though.

It's pretty isn't it?

She had a layer of white snowflakes over her midnight mocking hair. She was beautiful. I could look at her for hours. I wish I could hold her. But we stood six feet apart.

Yeah it is.

The feeling was coming back. I was gonna vomit any second. She would know something was up. I couldn't run back all the way to my house. It was on the complete other side of the cul-de-sac.

Josh? Are you o-

I vomited into a flower bed before my knees gave way and I hit the iced over ground.

Jesus Christ.

I passed out.

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I woke up with what I assumed to be tears running down my face. My face laid facing the ceiling. My pillow didn't even feel like a pillow. My house didn't look the same either. After a couple moments I realized that this wasn't my house. I was in Kate's living room. My pillow wasn't a pillow either and those tears were droplets falling from a cold washcloth being held to my head.

Mom he's awake!

My head was rested on Kate's thighs.

How long was I out?

Well you came to about two hours ago but you were so delirious. You eventually fell back to sleep.

So you have been sitting here for two hours with me asleep on you?

Yea pretty much.

I felt something I shouldn't have.

Hi honey. how ya feelin'?

Im ok Ms. Rogers.

Well I have you a ginger ale and you need to drink it. It'll calm your stomach and get you fluids.

Ok thank you. Do you happen to have the time?

Babe it's six o'clock. The snow is coming down pretty heavy. No one is able to leave their houses with the foot of snow we got. Who knows how much more we will get.

I looked at Kate with mixed expressions. Kate looked down at me and locked her beautiful eyes with mine.

So...how am I getting home?

Well I called your mom and she said it would be ok if you just stayed the night here. No need in getting bundled up to walk five minutes to your house when your'e already here.

I looked at Kate. She gave me a small smile which I returned.

It'll be just like middle school.

I guess it will.

I still have you extra stomach meds from where you have stayed in the past Josh. You can stay in the guest bedroom.

You mean the one upstairs.

Yeah babe that's the one!

The one next to Kate's room?

Yep.