Shit, I'm bipolar.

Everything went south

Forget everything I previously wrote.

I was wrong.

As I said, my mom was supposed to talk with my doctor today. I thought she was going to an appointment at the doctor's office. As it turned out, they were talking through facetime.

Ok, cool.

As the day went by, the call still didn't happen. In the afternoon, I did my beloved lunch break, walking careless to the kitchen just thinking about what I was about to eat and I found the door closed. At home, we never close the kitchen door. That's when I realized that my mom and my psychiatrist were talking.

Ok. Cool, cool. Besides being sad for not being able to eat, I decided to control my impulse to spy on them, returned to my room and watched some netflix. But I drink 4 liters of water a day. So 30 minutes went by and I had to go to the bathroom.

As I sitted on the vase, I heard the phrase "but she is easy to influence, I think that she realized that the medicine for anxiety wasn't working so she searched on google why, found about bipolar disorder and decided she was bipolar. And then she started feeling the symptoms, because she read about. She is always reading about diseases in google, we always alert her about that" coming from my mom in the kitchen.

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Ok, I had all the intentions of not hearing the conversation, but after that? Impossible. So I quietly sat in my bathroom listening to the conversation. I couldn't listen what the psychiatrist said because my mom had headphones on, but it honestly didn't matter.

I heard that she felt a general feeling of apathy coming from me, that I never get enthuasistic with things (she never saw listening to a The Weeknd's album), that I don't laugh a lot (if I were her I would be worried if I laughed too much, because I would probably doing some crazy ass drugs).  She also said that she went on google (wait, wasn't she criticizing me couple minutes ago about searching diseases on google?) and found some medicine, asking if I shouldn't take it. She probably asked the psychiatrist to recommend me a therapist (I fucking hate therapy). Last thing I heard was "and I mean, she always go out and drink, can she do that?".

That was it, I heard enough. I stormed out of the bathroom, popped a Klonopin and lost myself listening to The Weeknd's saddest song. 

My mom entered my room and said that after I end up my work (I was supposed to be working) we would talk. I replied that she didn't have to tell me anything (because I already knew lol) and that I rather not know. She just told me that she really liked the doctor. Red alert, I made a mental note to not return to that doctor.

I don't know what else was said. I did found later a note of my mom with the topics "for the whole life?" "risks" "inteligence" "too soon" which I believe were the topics she wanted to discuss with the doctor.

I kept on thinking why mom had such a wrong impression of me. Why couldn't she see me the way I actually am?

But I know why. 

First of all, I believe we can only see what we actually want to see. She doesn't want to see me as a bipolar or as an adult. In her mind, I'm supposed to be the same girl I was 15 years ago, giggling while playing with barbies, talkative, planning big things for my future. She also doesn't want to believe that I have bipolar disorder. That I had been bipolar for over 4 years. Because that could mean she failed as a mom. She couldn't see that her only daughter was suffering from a mental illnes, taking the wrong meds and not getting the proper diagnosis. She couldn't believe that I would have symptons of bipolar such as lack of impulse control, suicide risk and overly sexual behavior. Maybe for her own protection, her mind made my mom blind.

But on the other hand, blame is also on me. Since I'm 15, everytime I opened up to my mom about something or  let her have some insight about my personal life or shared something that was going on in my life, I never got a good reaction. With time, I started closing in, more and more. By being transparent, I didn't got anything good . When she saw me sad, she would flood me with question. If I acted weird, she would search my room when I was out, looking for something. Everytime I talked about my lovelife she would look clearly uncomfortable. I was punished (not physically, jesus) sometimes for things I did or said, so, I'm even scared of telling my parents things. 

I'm not proud of, but like every child from overly protective and controlling parents, I became one hell of a good liar and actress. My mom only sees what I let her see. I won't cry when she's at home. I won't let her know I'm going through a mania phase and that my thoughts are so crowded that I can barely focus on anything. I even learned to fake that I'm sober when I'm super drunk or high on benzos. I lock myself in my room  with netflix on a daily basis so she can't see much, she can't observe me.  I have excuses for everything, I can mask anything. I build alibis, I put password in every single device. I don't let my phone out of my sight. My meds are always at my sight.

Ok, maybe I'm a little bit of a paranoid.

But I do have a reason for that. I mean, look at it : this one time I decided to come clear about my mental health (besides the first time I went to a psychiatrist, in 2017) I regreted instantly. I wish I stayed quiet about my bipolar disorder and if she had discovered I would just say "I didn't tell you because you would react bad".

But, the damage is done and I can just hope that tomorrow is better.

And if it isn't, there'll always be klonopin and xanax.