you sat and watched me. like a cat perched ever so steady on a fence. your heart racing a thousands beats per blink. you thought I didn't see you but sweetheart I did. The night we met was at a tree. the one would become our tree. my heart twitched when I felt your gaze upon me. I cringed, for I didn't understand why yet. you were different from my past conquests; very different. we shared a commonality. not that of deep intention or past and childhood revelations but one of my passions. you took that as an invitation and I willingly gave it to you. blindly you worked my heart and soul. you took me as if it were the only thing you'd ever receive. to be honest, I was your first for everything. not to my surprise, as most of the conquests of the past were firsts as well. I, a teacher. you, a student. you were the type no one wanted. sounds cruel out loud but sadly true. I thought though, I had found the inner beauty that your exterior couldn't project. our encounters slowly turned into intentional meetings. the touch of your hand on the small of my back. the silly nickname you gave me. "pancake killer". the childish phrase given during the unfortunate event of me burning a batch of fluffy pastry. it stuck much like the batter. you made me feel confident. maybe because in the short and long term, I was the attractive one; not just physically. I let you gain my trust and vice versa. I felt content and sort of safe. as if you would never hurt me. you gave me the security of a future. it seemed it shined so dull but to me it still shined. the talks of dogs and kids. the late night stares and seeing the picture perfect future we had in our heads. you painted a soiled image of bliss and I adored it. I was giddy and never wanted the daydream to stop. I can recite the exact moment I thought I loved you verbatim. we were in your backyard. it was quite large and you owned horses. the calming smell of hay and evening air encased my lungs. my breath creating large clouds of white but I couldn't feel the cold. I was wrapped up in your arms. the sun had set a lovely shade of deep orange and pink. the dew on the leaves glowing. you looked at me and I the same. in that moment you told me that this is what I wanted and I agreed with a fuzzy head. "I love you" spilled from your lips. I said it back. my heart fluttering ever so gently. my man. the term I overused for you. I thought you were a strong oak just as the tree we met under. we began a routine of monotony. I came over for breakfast and drove us to school. we walked Mia, our German Shepard, on Tuesdays. You were never good at school. anyone could see that. I was. I took you under my wing and helped you. unfortunately, you abused that and I ended up doing it all for you. you still failed your final year. you cried constantly about how you were stupid but did nothing. you spoke of becoming a cop but never trained. wanted to be in the army but had "bad knee's" we all knew you were just overweight and lazy. always having an excuse or back up sentence to my suggestions. no matter how much I pushed, you shoved back. they say you can't change a person but I kept trying. again, the routine ever so boring and the same. I, for some reason, loved this. I believe it's because I never had a sane and quite childhood. so the situation felt safe. we went around in circles like a broken merry go round. I told myself I loved you just so I could keep the one thing I knew I couldn't lose. not because I wanted you anymore but more the security of not being lonely again. we got engaged. The ring was a family heirloom. it wasn't my taste but I treasured it with all my heart. your family welcomed me with such open arms. they were lovely. your father. a strong man he is. struggled with all his being but managed a life. Your mother. the more mature of the two; was perfect. you father had told me quite early on that I was an "Alpha" female and you the beta. telling me it would take all of my strength to love and support you but in the end it would be well worth my while. I should've listened to that first part more tentatively. I thought myself weak after the two years of fight I gave but it was the exact opposite. I had forgotten my strength. the fact that I was certainly the alpha. I let a beta make me feel all the less than and at the same time still make me fight as if I had the strength of my old self. after I gave my all and much, much more, you decided that it didn't matter. even with your shielded gaze and quick, twitchy "I love you". you managed to steal my shattered heart. but then, then you did the irreversible. you cheated. every openly, but denied your sin with all your petty worth when I showed you the evidence. as if saying you didn't would make it all disappear. the tree I once knew to bloom every season and some how never shed it's wonderful leaves; rotted. I some how believe our love was connected to that tree because a bit after I left, I went to the tree. I was going to bring myself closure. somehow I thought the tree would maybe help but as I started towards the oak, I realized it was being cut down because of the poisonous mold that had infested the tree and I think that was the most clarification I could've ever received methodically from anything. it also left me with a good lesson I think everyone should know. Not all beautiful things stay beautiful and sometimes not by choice but my fate, and that is why not all relationships last. your fate is your destiny but we reap what we sow. alas, let us sow a wonderful story and leave the pain in the last chapter.
