Dear Daddy,
I miss you.
April the 3rd 2003. I found out you died . You left me . I remember feeling empty when that lovely white lady told me the news after kindly offering to drop us home from school because she had known way before us that you had gone home. I felt it in my heart that day way before I was officially told but I refused to allow negativity to stay in my head rent free. After all , prom was coming up and I was trying to figure out how to tell you I had a prom date.
You were my everything Daddy. You still are and I don't think I will ever be able to get over you leaving me. April 3rd a day to remember , always the joker , you passed on my mothers birthday forever leaving a hurt that not even I can imagine. April 3rd the day I got my first prom invite from this boy whom I had the biggest crush on but was too afraid to tell you because I never wanted to disappoint you (he's married now) . The lovely lady (I forget her name) was on her way to take us home when, (my vision goes blurry here), we stopped in the middle of the road and my mum came and said , "he's gone to heaven" . My heart sunk. Years down the line and I've never felt that sinking feeling again because there is nothing in this world that will hurt me more than your death.
The first thing that ran through my mind was , "she's lying" so I ran . I ran out of the car. Lord, the strength in my little 12 year old body that day I couldn't describe. I ran as fast and as far as I could before a stranger grabbed me and stopped my run. All that I wanted to do was get to the hospital and check for myself. Not my best friend. The only man in the world that got me. Not you. You promised me you would come home. You promised. I wanted to breathe my life into you.
I would have given anything to have you back . To have you picking us up late from school only to take us to our favourite burger joint to stuff our faces right before dinner at home. To have you tell me off for slurping the straw just to get that last bit of milkshake from the cup and tell me , "ladies don't do that" . To have you take us to our grandmas factory after school everyday religiously even though you saw the boredom in my face. To have you take me out every Saturday to buy that new Barbie I saw on TV even though mum had said no earlier in the week. To have you force us to partake in sports like karate to learn self defence and to force us to practice what we learnt in the garden on a Saturday afternoon in our Karate suits. To have you tell me off for batting my eyelids to get out of trouble or school. To have you tell me off every time a new school report came in because all the teachers said I was too "talkative" . To have you tell me I'm not sick just for me to prove you wrong and the school nurse to tell you to come and collect me after I'd already been sick all over the school fridge. To have you force us to church on a Saturday. God. That polka dot outfit you had me wear all the time was horrific but I loved it because you loved polka dots. To have you sneak me some beer here and there for a taste after you caught me stealing brandy from the bar at home (parent police relax , my dad was AMAZING) . To have you cut my hair again, yes I said cut because I was too vain (apparently). To have you just sit there with me and play Galactica Battlestar with you whilst eating through a whole Toblerone bar . To have you force me every single morning to lift weights and practice punching walls to build strength in my fists. To have you show me how to use my first ever gun. To have you teach me how to clean trainers again. I would do anything to have you back. Breathing . Living . Laughing . Secret eating . Everything. There isn't a single part of my childhood I would erase apart from you leaving me.
Every year , I beat myself up. I never wanted to go to school that day anyway but my dreams had told me that the tyres on the Ford Bantum would go flat and I told you but you didn't believe me. Sure enough the tyres went flat ; two of them . It was chucking it down with rain. Torrential rain at that. I wish I could have altered my dream and the vision. At least that way you might still be here . If only you never had to get out of the car to try and be our hero to try and fix the problem. You would never have become sick because you would have listened to me and sought help instead of getting soaked in that rain and letting it get to your chest . You would have never ended up with breathing difficulties. Almost every night I heard you fighting to breathe. Poor mummy , trying to help. Ease the pain . Make you more comfortable . Trying to make you better . Trying to be strong yet I, at the tender age of 11 could see the hurt and pain in her eyes. Her fight to hold back the tears everyday and be a pillar of support for us. Mummy, I love you. Daddy, if you had listened to me the boys would have a father . If you had listened to me my mother would have a husband. If you had listened to me your mother would still have had her last born son. If you had listened to me your big sister would have a baby brother to spoil. If you had listened to me your brothers would have had their baby brother to drink beers in abundance with.
If you had listened to me , daddy , you would still be here ; laughing , playing obscenely loud music , racing other parents to drop us off to school and I mean really racing , making the most amazing scrambled eggs . You would still be here wearing pink shirts with so much pride telling me real men wear pink . You would still be here making mummy laugh. You would still be here to raise your boys . You would still be here to witness growth and change. Daddy , I miss you and it's hard to put my feelings on paper because the pain I feel right now and forever is indescribable.
I thought writing would be therapeutic and beneficial to my healing but Daddy , I miss you and I love you and my joy was with you and a part of me died when you died so this doesn't do anything but open up wounds for me. You were my hero Daddy and there was no wrong you could ever do in my eyes. You were the perfect father to me , all that I would want and more. You were my safety net. My comfort . Part of my happiness . Dear Daddy , it hurts. I try to be strong for you because you taught me to strong and never to cry but somehow when it comes to you , I fail. I forget every lesson you taught me on strength and I become vulnerable.
18 years have gone by Daddy and things have changed , times and people have changed but one thing that will never change is the love I will always have for you.
Lots of love,
Your Princess 💕
