A Medical Student's Diary

Rain

5 February 2021

05:00 am

I forced my eyelids to open.
My room is dark and messy. Notes, books, cables, clothes, -you name it, all strewn about. I stirred under my blanket, trying to turn off the alarm.

Today, my body feel heavy.

Since the past few days, my body felt so sluggish. Absently, I tied back my hair. It felt greasy and disgusting.

Yesterday, I cried so much. I nearly forgot to study for the test I'll have today.

I suppose failures after failures have slowly eaten me away. I failed the entirety of my second semester, and failed 1/3 of my third. I was given a second chance, albeit so suddenly.
The announcement was made just 3 days before the make up exam. It's also just a day after another test.

I whined, I lamented.
"Not enough time," I said.
It felt so unfair, I want to hate, I want to curse. Anybody is fine, so please give me a black sheep to blame.

Still, no matter how shitty, it was a second chance nevertheless.

This burden is not only given to me, but only me is not strong enough to carry it.

---

I failed to make the most of it.

I haven't done enough. I'm going to fail again. I'm going to be left behind.

My parents, my love, my friends, they told me that I 'had done my best'. They trusted me, supported me.

Yet, I can't trust myself.

---

Food tasted bland. My appetite is gone. I settled the sharp pain in my stomach with antacids and sugared water. It's unhealthy. As a medical student, I know it well.

I laughed bitterly.

Was I really doing my best, or was I simply neglecting my needs trying to convince myself that I had done my best?

Was it effort? Was it simply self-punishment out of guilt?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I feel like I don't deserve rest. My peers are doing so much better, always a step further.
I didn't see it, but I'm sure they are studying diligently. Unlike me, unlike this lazy good-for-nothing.

The mirror that I lifted to my table felt so heavy in my arms. A part of me wanted to toss it down, shattering it to pieces. Will it cut me? Will it hurt?

I banished that stupid thought. It wasn't cheap, this mirror. The money doesn't belong to me either. Mom, dad, at the very least, I don't want to burden them even more than I already am.

Yes, they gave me so much, and I know I can't repay it. Their kindness and love knows no bound. They are so kind that my heart ache.
What else can I do, except being a faithful daughter?

---

Today, my class is at noon. After this test, I have time. I should study, or so I thought.

Instead, I was blankly staring at the ceiling. I can't muster any willpower. I want to sleep, but my eyes won't close. I have time to study, but I can't bring myself to.

"Please, give me a break," I plead to nobody in particular.

Usually, I poured my feelings in my drawings. But lately, I haven't been able to draw. When I want to, I feel too guilty because I need to study. When I feel too tired from studying, and want to let off some steam by drawing, my hand won't move the way I want it to.