A Medical Student's Diary

Friends

28 February 2021
Happy 19th birthday to me.
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I am a naive person.
I trusted easily, and I cared deeply. When I decided to give my loyalty, I gave my all.
Thus, betrayal hurts me greatly.

As a kid, we all had experience with the so-called "BFFs/Best Friend Forever".
I was no different.

There was a group of three. So closely knit and similarly gifted academically. The adults dubbed us as "Three Musketeers".

My young heart was overjoyed. I thought we would truly be together forever, just like those movies and cartoons. Naively, I believed.

It lasted not even a year.
For a reason I can't understand, the "Friendship" was ended so abruptly. I took that seriously, for it was a big impact for a shy, introverted child like me. Adults only saw a children's fight, but for me, that was as traumatic as it can be.

But a child is nothing but whimsical.
Not long after, the other two already made new "BFFs". This time with seven people. Without telling me, sparing not even a glance at me.

What did I do wrong? Was everything my fault? Am I hated?
Right there and then, my young self swore to never believe in Friendship ever again.

As the time passes, there were those who approached me. My "intellect" drew in others who needed it.
It was both joyous and annoying. I ended up developing a soft spot for those who needed me. At the same time that was the start of my false sense of superiority.
---

In middle school, there was a group I was close with. The two were already bestfriends from elementary, I was just an outsider that happened to be there.

You see, when three people had to walk through a narrow path, there would always be one person walking behind.
I was always that person. Willingly, because I knew I was nothing to them. At times I slowed down, to see how far can I get behind until they noticed.

They never noticed.
---

At that time I was also exposed to the ugly truth of the so-called Friendship.
Whenever they had a fight with each other, one would suddenly be kind to me. Then they would proceed to badmouth the other one to oblivion.

That happened over and over, me being a convenient trashcan for them.
But when they made up, it's as if everything was a fever dream. They get along well, leaving me again.

Ah, this is toxic. I rather be alone than be like this.

Thus, the me of that time closed off her heart, and went her own way.
---

It's not like I completely cut off my surroundings. I get along cordially with everyone, as I put them at an arm's length.

I get along well with a group of outcasts. Hobbyists that was socially cut off from their class, forming a cluster of their own.
I sometimes joined in, fueling my own interest.

In highschool, I have someone I can only describe as "partner in crime".
They were obviously a bad influence for me, I know. But they understood and even share my bitterness. They had it even worse than me. If my trust in people was zero, theirs was in negative.

Make no bestfriends, but keeps a lot of acquaintance. Do not invest too much feelings, stick to practicality. It's impossible to survive alone, make use of people, at the very least don't push them away.

Such was my view, and my mindset. The last sentence were words from my mother, in her attempt to stop me from completely killing my social life.
---

People's faces fades easily from my mind. Anything I deemed unimportant gets erased pretty quickly. I no longer remember the majority of my classmates, all blurred together that I can't differentiate when and where were we together.

Only peoples who left their marks are remembered, most of them being scars left in my heart.

I usually took unconcerned stance against those around me. I kept to myself, I don't reach out so that I can't be cut off.
My social circle is small, and I never actively seek anyone out.
People are free to stop by, I will accommodate. Once the business is done and the momentum is lost, they would drift away once more.

Because every relationship will end, as my pessimistic side whispered. It all depends on how much value you held.

Every once in a while though, there would be people who wormed their way into my heart, and stayed there rent-free.
And when they left, another hole was made in my tattered heart.
---

Ah, It's midnight. I just got back from a group study at a friend's house.

Yes, a friend's.

OSCE 3 is done. Whatever the result would be, I shall not think about it.

Recently, my view has been shook. I knew it was out of necessity, of the need to survive the hellish environment of medical school, but.... There are people I can call friends.

One of the thing drilled to us at the beginning was "colleague". It even has written rule about it.
At first I regarded it completely from business view, but as the time progressed, I began to see a new perspective.

The pandemic might have brought us closer.
The people I'm comfortable enough to go wild with, to study 11 hours straight with, to visit until very late at night.
The people that dragged out my minuscule extrovert side, the people that my introverted self could easily tolerate.

I never thought it was possible.
These people, I want to be friends with them.

So naturally, so effortlessly. Just like this, I enjoyed their company. I want to stay at this comfortable circle.

A small part of me feared that this was all just illusion, that soon I will be left behind again.

My past bitterness can never be erased. These cracks will never heal, just as I will never be able to forget.

My feelings are heavy. I don't want to burden them with it. Yet, another part of me was hopeful.
That they would accept me, no matter how ugly the inner me is.

I want to trust them. I want to forge new relationships, people I can truly call Friends.

I want to trust myself, that I still have faith for people, because I am one.
Even if this bond will one day be lost, I want to believe that it will still go a long way.

I... I have the quality of a Loner. But loneliness feels so empty. I don't want it. No, no more.

Ah, these people..
I want to walk beside them.