A Medical Student's Diary

Fun

5 March

Today, I went out with my friends.
Recently they've been successful in dragging me out of my room. I've gone out more frequently.

It was probably on a whim, an impulse. One of them suddenly proposed the idea. "Let's go eat out!" Just like that.

And now I'm sitting in a car with them. Whenever I'm with them, I'm always very noisy. My throat is weak, by tomorrow surely I'd lose some of my voice.

But I want to talk more. I like to share. I like to see people around me happy. So, I strained my vocal cords to its limits.
I feel accomplished when I make people laughs, it feels nice.
.....Well, I'll curl up in shame afterwards, in the confines of my room.
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It was fun. The food was tasty, and I enjoyed their company.

Still, a part of me whispered, is this really fine?

I...am not used to this.
I thought of these trips as rewards, and I have yet to accomplish anything.

Growing up, I was taught of equal give and take. If I wanted something, then I need to accomplish something equal to it's worth, then I shall receive it as reward.
An example is how mom would let me buy a book of my choosing, as reward for getting top 5 in my grade.

We also lived in moderation. My family only goes out to celebrate things. We usually spent holidays just relaxing at home.

It was a good parenting strategy. Compared to my cousin who would cry and throw tantrum to get things he wants, causing so much problems that my aunt ended up buying him anything, I was much more easier to manage.

In a sense I'm glad I was raised that way. I don't like being a nuisance to other people. I certainly don't want to be like that cousin.
That mindset was ingrained so deep in my heart, that I tend to see other's kindness as debts to be paid.

After a seemingly endless cycle of failing to be my ideal self, my mindset had somehow became twisted.

I haven't done anything. Therefore I don't deserve anything.

That included personal enjoyment. I have been refraining myself from drawing, and if I did I only made quick sketches, never a full, complete piece. However, my progress was still halted.

I might have been wrong.
I might have been pointlessly punishing myself.
For the crime of doing nothing.

To feel guilt for being happy, being so used to this exaggerated 'suffering' in my twisted view.
It was surely wrong.

But I have had this broken mindset for too long now, that I can no longer bring myself to relax. The constant state of paranoia only intensifies now that many things are on stakes, and with how real the threat of expulsion is.

To put it simply, if I fail even once again, I'll be out.

That is why, my days are coloured in fear, guilt, and suffocating panic.
Such is the harsh nature of medical school.

Sometimes, when I looked at other people's carefree smiles, my heart went cold. To look so composed, so relaxed, so well put together in this hellish school.
How?
How are they doing that?
How could they be so hardworking, yet able to sleep so soundly?
Why?
Why can't I be like that?

I am not sure what name to give this growing, ugly feelings in my little heart. Envy? Jealousy?

Ah..

I shouldn't be left alone with my thoughts, lest I will spiral down the depressing hole.

Lately though, I have been left with only small amount of time to muse.
Before I realized, I have been sitting together with my friends, talking about mundane, random topics.
I laughed so much that my throat burns up.

This.. is quite nice. For a moment, I was able to throw aside my worries.

I looked out of the car's window, to the glimmering street lights, and people outside.

Noisy.
But it's a good kind of noise.
It momentarily drowns my buzzing thoughts.

The car is a little cold, but being squeezed together like this makes it warm.
Yes... I don't mind this moment lasting a few seconds longer.

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A/N
yes, these are all what goes through my head in a roughly 15 minutes drive.
I wish I could install a physical brake in my brain.