Healing takes time, not repression

Panic attack

Warnings: Panic attack, implications of attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts, mentions of manipulation and abuse 

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They once again fell into silence as a snow storm inconveniently started to flurry outside. Tommy cursed internally. "As much as I don't trust either of you at the moment, I'm not going to send you out there in the middle of a snowstorm." he said, quickly taking control of the situation. "Quickly, go put your horses in the stall with V then come back. I don't want you going out there right now so you'll have to stay here. I'll prepare a sleeping space." He finished, standing from the stable and descending the ladder that led to the lower levels.

Phil and Techno looked at each other, a little shocked and confused. This wasn't the Tommy they knew and now they weren't even sure if that Tommy existed to begin with. 

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Tommy's tail flickered with annoyance as he leaned against the wall of his stone basement, eyes squeezed shut and breath labored. He was stuck here with two people he didn't trust and now they were trying his get answers out of him, sadness even, for running away from a place that only caused him pain. A place where the bad greatly outweighed the good. Sudden anxiety flooded his senses, churning his stomach. Tommy clutched his head, hunching over, body pushed against the wall. L'manburg-

"It was never meant to be"
Eret had made the first betrayal in L'manburg

"My L'manburg Phil! My unfinished symphony forever unfinished" 
He had watched his half insane brother be stabbed by his father figure that day. 

"You want to be a hero Tommy? THEN DIE LIKE ONE!" 
His other brother a few moments later worsened the destruction and hopes of the country, a country that should've been left after that. 

"Dream I have come to the decision...That will be best for the nation the most logical thing to do...For Tommy to be... exiled from L'manburg."
The first part, the start of the worst period of his life.

"I'm your only friend Tommy" 
Dream, the lying bastard, his abuser, his only friend- no but he wasn't Tommy's friend- but he was the only one who was there- No no no-

He remembers how Techno had come visit him in exile, only to laugh at him, how Ghostbur would show up, see what was happening between Dream and Tommy, then leave and forget. He remembers the explosions and smoke, not only from the constant blowing of his items in exile, but all of the TNT L'manburg had faced during its time standing. He remembers how the top of the one block cobblestone tower felt and how the lava warmed his face by him just looking down at it. 

Doomsday replayed in his head over and over, never stopping. He remembers yelling and the heat of the bombs going off. How the somehow loud whispers of the withers filled his ears while he watched the country he devoted his life, and the rest of his childhood to, blew up. 

He hears the whispers behind his back. How Niki and Jack would look at his weird, as if waiting for something. How Tubbo looked at him strangely after the whole war. They may have forgiven each other, but their friendship was still broken, trust abandoned, not given a chance to reconcile. Quackity's glances towards him, wary of what the kid might to next. 

He was a wreck, nothing but a bother, a burden for the country and the people who resided in it. And the people who lived outside its walls as well. He carelessly betrayed Techno, the man who had brought him back up to his feet after being beaten down by the server owner. He betrayed Phil, a man who was willing to care for him and teach him things like a father would do with his son. He had bothered everyone who had resided in the SMP area, making a mess that they had to clean up. George barely did anything to him and he had set his house of fire for fucks sake!

"ommy-"

Maybe he should've jumped from the tower when he had the chance, maybe he should've just handed the discs over. If Dream really wanted to, he could control him anyways. 

"yo" ..... "ay?"

He should've been better, he knows he should've. Images of the past circle in his head one by one, as if he was reliving them. He hurt, the betrayal, the feelings of wanting to end it all, flooding into his weak mind, plaguing every bit of him.

"Tommy! I need you to breathe kid!" 

Techno?

He paused, gasping in a breath of air. He felt his hair curled around his hands, ass on the floor, and back pressed against something soft. He tried evening out his breathing, but it kept getting caught in the panic. Techno and Phil had found him, what if Dream found him too? His breath hitched, causing the figure in front of him and take his hand into the beings own. He felt his hand being pressed to something. 

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"In....and out....in....and out...very good Toms, you're doing great." Techno sighed, looking at the state of the kid in front of him. He looked so worn out, so out of it. Like he was wrapped in his own mind. What had happened to him? Techno knew about the whole exile thing. Okay, well maybe not about the whole thing. He only knew what Tommy had told him, or what he had heard, which extended to "dream is a bitch" and "manipulation" putting to and to together, yeah, it was obvious, but for some reason, part of him hadn't believed Tommy before. He was still the same old Tommy. Not a mental scar on him, but now...

Techno repeated the breathing exercise, glancing to Phil who had his wing behind Tommy's head and back, preventing the kid from banging the back and side of his head on the wall. The man held a very similar, yet more expressive, face of worry of his own. He bit his lip, also trying to comfort the boy by keeping a steady hand on his shoulder, attempting to ground him. 

After a few minutes, Phil felt weight on his shoulder. He looked towards it, not expecting to see Tommy leaning against him, practically asleep. He watched as Techno stood, back cracking as he did so. He took off his cape and draped it around the smaller of the three, smirking as the younger snuggled more into the father figure. 

"Y'know, this may be cute to you, but we need to get him into a proper bed." Techno nodded at Phil, eventually deciding it was easier to mine out and replace the blocks of the house once they got the boy up up to a warmer floor. Phil looked at the hole in the roof, then back to Techno, who saw this look and shrugged. The eldest took out a bed from his inventory, placing it down, followed by a nineteen year old. He made sure to cover Tommy, keeping Techno's cloak on the boy, deciding it was a cute sight. 

Techno pulled out two other beds. This was followed by a confused Philza who looked for an explanation on why he was carrying two, Techno flashed him an odd smile before not answering him. The beds were placed relatively next to each other hastily. The two sat down in their respective spots in silence. The two having so much to say but not sure on how to say it. 

How were they supposed to? They didn't expect what they got tonight. Guess that's just Tommy. 

(sorry its short, im pretty tired and ive got homework oof)

(i also didn't proof read this, bigger oof)