Loving Adam

Chapter 12

This cannot be happening. First of all, I woke up to the screaming of my mom. She thinks that the one thing her daughter needs to hear after being in a near-death experience is a scolding on how to not end up in a near-death experience. And then, after the doctor makes sure I am fine and ready to be discharged tomorrow, my dad starts talking about me not living far away from home.

"But I got in, dad," I say.

They both look at me, shocked.

"I got the letter. I was going to tell you. I got into Harvard!"

Their reactions were far from the reactions you always pictured from your parents when you tell them you made it into one of the top universities in the country.

"Well, we're gonna have to see about that then, aren't we?" my dad says.

Now I really begin to think that my life is officially over. I failed on the love front (what could be more pathetic than having the guy you love asked you not to love him), I am stuck with this huge bandage wrapped around my head for two weeks, and I lost my only chance to leave this city.

Oh, kill me already.

When my parents finally left for the night, I thought to myself, maybe I would wake up tomorrow with a different destiny. Maybe, tomorrow it won't be this bad.

Hey, if you could wake up tomorrow anywhere you like and be anyone you want, where will you be and who will you become?

I remember Laura and I used to play that game during our sleepovers. We ask that question to each other and we will come up with fabulous answers like, "I'll be in Lake Como, Italy with Liam Hemsworth..." or "I'll be Taylor Swift, on stage, feeling this international fame as I punch my hand up in the air."

It was really fun. And tonight I hear myself asking the question again: if you could wake up tomorrow anywhere you like and be anyone you want, where will you be and who will you become?

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"Psst, Hart," I hear someone's voice beside me.

I jump on my bed in shock. Holy cheesus!

I was about to flick the light button on, but I feel a hand placed on top of mine. "No no, don't turn on the light, I'll get caught."

It's Adam. He is standing beside my bed, hiding half of his body with the curtain.

"What are you doing here?" I snap. 

I think the morphines have worn off because all the wounds in my head start aching again.

"I need to see you Hart, I feel really bad," he says, "I was waiting for my chance to get in but your parents never left."

He jumps to the bed and lays himself next to me.

"What are you doing?" I snap again. 

"Ssssh! Geez, Hart! Do you not understand that I'm sneaking my way to be here? It's passed the visitor's time and you're gonna get me caught!"

I really cannot believe this guy. A couple of hours ago, he was so rude to me, asked me to not love him, and he made me get ran over by a bus. Now, he is laying next to me in this much too narrow of a hospital bed.

I mean, our bodies are literally sticking to each other.

"What do you want then? Just say it so you can leave!"

He takes a look at me, then at my bandaged head. "Is it painful?" he asks.

"What do you think?"

"I was so worried. I witnessed the entire thing! I saw you turned around and bam, that bus was just... holy hell," he sighs, grabbing my hand. "I'm really glad you're alright."

"Adam you cannot do this to me, okay," I say, pulling my hand back, "You said it yourself, I shouldn't love you, so please, do not do this to me."

He pauses. Then I realize this is my first time to be able to see his face really close like this.

Oh God, that lips.

"Can you just go, please?" I say, "Before something b-"

"Hart, I am problematic," he says, "I am different than you. I wasn't exactly brought up in a house that's full of love."

I pause. He must be referring to his parents. I did hear some rumors that Adam's parents are actually separated but they chose to live together for the sake of their businesses.

"I live my life in the way that is right for me. I do not make close friends, I do not date girls for long, I do not make deeper connections with other people because I know that someday, it will all disappear and people will end up feeling hurt. Especially me. I cannot let myself get hurt again Hart, and I am so sick of seeing people turning love into hatred. I figured it is safer to not involve feelings in anything I do. This way, it would be easier to forget and move on. I would do no harm to people around me."

He drops our eye contact, shifts his position and rests his head on the pillow, staring to the ceiling.

"And this is final?" I ask, "Didn't it even occur to you to try?"

"I've seen enough, Hart. I've seen enough."

His voice was breaking. Though he wasn't crying, but I know that tonight, this version of Adam is the real version of Adam, the one who is afraid of loving people because he is afraid of getting hurt.

"But I know you are different, Hart. Because of New York, I got to know you. And when I looked at your face when you did that speech... I knew you are much too precious for someone like me. You are this pure, sincere human being who offers me love and you deserve to receive the same. That's where I struggle the most, you see. I want to be with you but I can't. I tell myself that I will always be this horrible guy and I shouldn't drag you into it."

Adam is still staring at the ceiling. 

I want to tell him, "No, please drag me into it. I'd do anything to be with you..."

But I can't. I don't know why but for some reason, my lips couldn't move.

"That's why I told you not to love me, Hart," he says, turning his body to the side to to face me. "I don't want to hurt you. Ever."

He closes his eyes and I just lay there watching him slowly drift to sleep. 

Then, I finally know my answer to the question:

if you could wake up tomorrow anywhere you like and be anyone you want, where will you be and who will you become?

I would still be in this bed with him but I would be that woman Adam finally able to love.

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