Save Me

1

Namjoon rubs his hands over his face as he rolls on his back in bed. Groaning, his tired eyes search the blank ceiling in hopes of taking his mind away from the dangerous thoughts polluting his mind. His loose clothing kisses his latest drawings and he hisses in pain slightly.

'You're useless Namjoon.'
'Can't you do anything right?'
'You're so fat'
'Everyone hates you'
'You are unlovable'

With every thought in his mind, Namjoon's grip on his hair tightens as he silently agrees with the voice in his mind. Like routine, Namjoon stares into space in an attempt to block the thoughts from his head only to give up minutes later. Every word the voice says drives him insane, the familiar itch on his thighs become persistent as he feels the need to punish himself. Sighing, Namjoon sits up, opens his bedside table draw and digs around until he finds a small plastic case. With the case in his hand, he stands up from his single bed and makes his way over to the opposite side of the room where the door is. Namjoon cracks the door open ever so slightly in an attempt not to wake his sleeping roommate, Jungkook. After a few moments, Namjoon deems it safe to leave the confinements of his room and he makes his way to the bathroom at the end of the hall.

The bathroom has become a safe place for Namjoon to escape the voices that cloud his mind. So once he steps inside, the familiar flicker of the automated lights and the whirring of the extractor fan bring him to peace. Namjoon locks the door behind him and carefully takes off his pyjama bottoms, leaving him in his boxers. He makes his way over to the empty bath tub and carefully lowers himself inside. The feeling of the cold tub is one Namjoon has become accustomed to over time and now finds relaxing.

The young adult opens the opaque case with a small 'click' and inside lie three shiny blades. With shaking hands, he carefully picks up one of his blades and sets the rest of the down on the floor next to the tub. The small, cold metal blade dances through his big calloused hands. 'Do it'. Namjoon slowly lowers his right hand down to his left thigh, already littered in scars. Namjoon takes a deep breath. The blade slides across his thigh and a shock of relief spreads through him. Namjoon keeps going until his thighs are painted red and no piece of skin is left untouched.

He stays in the tub for another hour to regain his energy before he runs the shower. The cuts sting under the harsh flow of water but Namjoon knows he deserves it. He climbs out the tub once most of the blood is gone and delicately wraps his thighs in bandages. Once Namjoon is sure there is no blood left in the tub, he picks up his case and pulls his pyjama bottoms over his tired legs. He drags himself to the comfort of his room. The exhausted man gets comfy in his bed, ready to let sleep take over.

A loud knock wakes Namjoon from a restless sleep. "Namjoon hyung, Kookie, breakfast is ready!" Taehyung's voice rings throughout the room, successfully dragging the maknae and his roommate out of their sleep.
"Okay Tae, we'll be out in a few minutes." Namjoon says groggily and he hears Taehyung's footsteps slowly walk away. Namjoon slowly sits up in bed, wincing in pain.
"You okay, hyung?" Jungkook's voice sounds tired but his eyes are laced with concern.
"Yeah. Just a foot cramp, Kook, nothing to worry about." The older smiles at him, chooses some clothes and makes his way to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

By the time Namjoon finishes, Jin is setting the last plate of food on the table where the members of BTS are sitting. 'Don't you dare eat anything, fatass. No wonder no one wants you in the group, you're so fat' the voice laughs cruelly at him and so Namjoon walks past them all and makes his way to the coffee machine. "You not eating Joon?" Jin questions, deflated their leader is once again skipping breakfast.
"No thanks, hyung. I had something to eat earlier." He offers a smile to his hyung and picks up his freshly made coffee, making his way to the living room.