Lost in the Fifth Year

Untitled Part 1

“I love you.” I can still hear those last three words rolling off daddy’s tongue like it was yesterday.  I don’t know why he had to go, and when I asked he told me I was far too little to understand and that I just needed to help mommy in any way I can. I miss daddy very much and cannot wait to hug him and tell silly stories in front of the chimney when he gets home.  It’s been almost a year now and I don’t know when he will come home, but I’ve been doing my best to give mommy everything she needs from me.

            We had to move in with Aunt Shirley a few weeks ago, mommy said it was because it is easier for us to all live together while Uncle Jim and daddy are away. I had to sell most of my toys but otherwise I don’t mind it too much because now I get to play with Cousin Beverly, who was my age, whenever I want. She has a yellow yo-yo that we play with and I let her borrow my porcelain dolls so we can play house.  Henry and Thomas are usually outside riding bike around the apartment complex with Cousin David. But every Tuesday and Thursday, we all listen “Amon N’ Andy” on the radio after lunchtime.

Mommy has been sick and sometimes she can’t give my brothers and me things we need. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why we moved, so Aunt Shirley could help her with us on the days she doesn’t feel good. She’s gotten very thin and she’s not very strong anymore, and she doesn’t get out of bed much. Aunt Shirley says she fragile.  Mommy barely ever eats with us and I usually am hungry even after I eat since I don’t get much food but I don’t say anything because I know that I’m not the only one who has to eat. I’m just thankful that I have food to eat every day, my friend Alice had to move to New Jersey with her uncle because her parents didn’t have enough money to feed her or enough wood to keep her warm.

Although mommy was sick, she never missed a night of getting up to tuck me into bed and kiss my forehead with her dry, pale lips. She then would proceed to tell me how beautiful I am and how very much she loves me.  Tonight was no exception. She made her way over to my bed, I noticed she was moving slower than normal and gently pulled my tattered covers up to my chest.  She kissed my forehead goodnight, but it felt different than all the other times. Her deep blue eyes stared into mine as she wiped a tear from her cheek, I couldn’t understand why she was crying. She then said to me “I love you with all my heart, my beautiful Little Amelia Mae, don’t you ever forget that.  I know you will grow up into a remarkable woman, and those blue eyes are going to strike every man you encounter. Sweet dreams, my darling.” The way she said this shocked me, she had never said goodnight to me in that way.  As she walked away, I saw her wipe another tear from her cheek. I didn’t understand, but I closed my eyes and went to sleep anyway.

I woke up the next morning to Aunt Shirley making mommy’s bed, but mommy was nowhere to be found. Aunt Shirley was crying, and was clearly unaware that I was awake until the board creaked from under me while I tried to make my way over to mommy’s corner of the room. She swiftly wiped her face on the sleeve of her shirt and turned around to face me.  I asked her where mommy was, and she wrapped me into her arms and hugged me tight.  After a few moments of listening to her sob, she told me that mommy had passed away in her sleep last night and the doctors had come to take her this morning before I woke. She told me that Henry, Thomas, and I would have to continue living with her until daddy and Uncle Jim got back.  Tears instantly swelled up and started flowing from my eyes, what was I going to do without my mommy? Aunt Shirley couldn’t come up with a word to say, she just held me as my tears soaked into the threads of her shirt.

            After a while, we decided to make our way downstairs to the kitchen to see the boys.  Thomas, Henry, and David were all sitting at the table staring at their now cold food in dead silence, unable to find their appetite. They all rushed over to hug me when they saw me, and that made me start crying again.  Thomas picked me up, kissed the top of my head and said, “Don’t be scared Amelia, she’s not suffering anymore. I won’t let anything happen to you I promise. Mom asked me to watch over you before she went to bed last night for her, and I won’t let her down.” He obviously understood more than I did. I couldn’t find anything to say so I just held him tight as the tears continuously poured out of me. I didn’t know how I had any left to cry.

 The words mommy said to me the night before at bedtime kept reminiscing through my mind, her dry, cracked lips, the way she looked me in the eyes. It was like she knew she wouldn’t wake up in the morning, and it made me wish I had told her that I loved her one more time.  I started missing daddy more than ever.  I just wanted to hold his wrinkly, worn out hands again and sit on his lap like I used to. I kept wondering if he could’ve saved mommy had he been here. I was lost, and even though I was surrounded with people, I felt more alone than I ever had before.

            Beverly finally walked in, her eyes sad. She had gone to get me a yo-yo of my very own. It was purple, but I was not at all excited to play with it at this time.  She came over and hugged me and as her eyes became glossy with tears, she then handed me the yo-yo saying “I’m so sorry about Aunt Mary, but I got you this so that when you’re ready, we can play again. I thought it might make you feel better.”  Aunt Shirley looked at her in shock, she had taken all the money left in her piggy bank to buy me a yo-yo of my own to try cheer me up. And even though it didn’t work, I gave her a big hug and thanked her.

            The rest of the day was a blur, I kept staring out the window daydreaming about all my memories with her. Our whole room smelled like her, and I kept looking over at her empty bed as if she was actually going to be laying there, but she never was.  Beverly and Aunt Shirley came upstairs and sat by me a few times, but we never talked much because there wasn’t anything to say.  That night at bedtime, Aunt Shirley came to tuck me up me in and as she turned out the light, she kissed my forehead just as mommy had every night before but it was not the same. I wanted to sleep forever because I knew that morning meant the start of the worst day of my life, the day of the funeral.

            I wore my best black dress, which was worn and had a small tear in the side of it.  We didn’t have enough money to afford a large funeral, so Aunt Shirley, my cousins, my siblings, and I all just went out to the cemetery where the preacher awaited us.  After the ceremony, we said our last goodbyes. As her casket was about to be put into the ground, we all hugged each other with tear-filled eyes and I eventually closed mine because I couldn’t watch. I kept wishing daddy could’ve been here, so he could at least say goodbye.  Her headstone read, “Mary Jane Weiler; beloved wife and mother. 1915-1945.”

The next few weeks went by slowly, I did nothing but stare out the window during the day, and at night I didn’t get much sleep. The house was so sad that the floor sighed as we walked on it. Everyone tried to comfort each other, but to me there was no comfort to be found.  The boys didn’t go outside to play anymore, Aunt Shirley didn’t sing while making dinner, Beverly and I hadn’t played with our dolls for so long that they started collecting dust. It was like we were all playing a waiting game for the men to come home and make everything better.