Love Harry (Larry Stylinson)

From Louis

Dear Harry,

I'm writing this while you're downstairs washing dishes. The same dishes that you've been yelling at me to clean up for three days now, I just can't ever find the willpower to wash them. I know that my lack of trying is pushing you away but it's so hard to try when I feel like I'm the only one who has been our entire relationship.

I'm tired of feeling like this, Harry. I'm tired of feeling like I'm giving you my entire heart and only receiving a piece of yours in return. I know that you've been hurt in the past but fuck, Harry. So have I. We both hurt and we're both going through shit but i'm still here trying my best to go through these things with you and all you want to do is shut me out.

I know it's easy to say that i'm the one who isn't trying but what is somebody supposed to do when they try and try but get nothing in return? Even when I finally gain enough strength to wash the dishes, you don't ever notice it. You only notice when they get dirty again.

It hurts you know that you'll never see when i'm trying but you notice when i finally stop. You only ever notice my faults and not the things I do in an attempt to make us better.

I bake you your favorite snacks in order to show that I'm trying and they just sit on the counter for days, growing older. I put my love into those brownies and you never even gave them a taste. You tell me that you're just not in the mood for them right now and that you'll eat them later ...but later comes and they're still sitting in the same place I left them. I start to think to myself, maybe he just doesn't like brownies anymore? Maybe I should try baking him cookies, instead?

So I bake you the cookies. Chocolate chips, to be exact, because I know that they're your favorite.

Yet when I served them to you, you told me that you never liked chocolate chips. I don't understand...they're the same cookies that used to steal your heart and yet, you don't like them anymore? Do you not like them anymore or do you just not like me, anymore?

When the baked goods weren't enough for you, I tried to get your attention by cleaning up. I would clean the space we lived in everyday but it never went noticed because by dawn, it was dirty again. I would try my hardest to wake up every morning to assure it was cleaned for you but sometimes my pain grew too heavy and I didn't bear enough strength to pull myself out of bed. After days of trying and days of cleaning without it ever being noticed, it just felt useless.

Why keep doing these things for you when all i'm doing is breaking myself more every time you reject me?

I know it's hard to love me.

It's hard to love somebody who can't even love themselves but how can I love myself when it's constantly being yanked from me the second I start to be happy?

I finally start to think that things are going to be better and you prove me wrong, everytime. You show your true colors, everytime.

I know that your heart belongs to somebody else but i'm trying so hard to earn it. I try so hard to get you to fall in love with me again but all I do is push you away further. You tell me to open up more but when I finally do, you tell me that I'm only saying those things to make me the victim but I'm not. I'll tell you those things because I want you to know how I feel. I want you to know all of my bad thoughts that are killing me everyday and all you do is tell me that it's all in my head. I fucking know its in my head, Harry, and that's kind of the fucking problem.

My head makes me think of things I try so hard not to think about. I will try so hard to think of happy thoughts and just move on with my life but I can't. Every negative thing you've ever said to me just rings in my head everyday and pushes me to a level that I can't come back from. You tell me that you didn't mean those things and that you only said it when you were mad but fuck, Harry.