Diary of an Introvert 2

16: Why is it not easy to comfort myself?

"Hindi na ikaw yung dating Cee na kaibigan namin. Nagbago ka na."

My friend confronted me.

All this time I thought everything was okay because people were smiling at me but little did I know, it's actually the opposite.

I began changing without me knowing it.

My smile faded. I lost my will to be who I am knowing that I'm being criticized behind my back.

Bakit ang hirap magsabi ng totoo?
Bakit ang daling manira ng tao sa halip na kausapin ito, kamustahin, at intindihin?
Bakit kailangang maging ganito?

I looked outside the window. It was raining. Hah~ no wonder why I feel sad, again.

Being an introvert, I should be okay being alone, right? But why do I feel lonely these days?

I told myself that it'll be okay. That I should just move on. But it didn't work. I wonder how I give comfort to people when I do not even comfort myself.

I made a lot of mistakes today at work.
I feel bad about it but can't share it to anyone.

Just like the sky, I wanted to cry, too.
But how?

*doorbell*

"Pa! May—" I stopped when I remembered that I'm alone at home right now.

I went down and opened the door.

"Magandang gabi." It's our doctor neighbor.

"Ah, good evening."

"Ah...heto nga pala." He handed a paper bag with the hospital's logo. "Mga gamot yan galing sa ospital. It's for free. Marami na kaming stocks sa bahay kaya naisipan kong ibigay nalang kina tito at tita."

"Ah..okay. Salamat." I got the bag from him and was about to close the door when he said the words I hoped I didn't hear.

"Okay ka lang ba?"

"I'm fine." I lied.

"I don't think you are."

Tsk. "Hindi ka rin naman makulit noh? I'm fine okay?!"

"At hindi mo naman kailangang magalit." He breathe in and out. "Honestly, yang ugali mong yan ang nakakainis sayo minsan. You're obviously not okay. Bakit mo ba palaging tinutulak palayo ang mga taong nag-aalala sayo?"

I don't know why but his words hit me hard.
My tears started falling even before I noticed it.

"I'm all ears." He said.

I closed the door behind me and grabbed his shirt.

"Bakit ka ba palaging nandiyan kung kailan hindi ako okay?"

"I don't know either."

I stayed silent.

He gave me a pat on my back.

"Don't be too hard on yourself. You're a work in progress so it's okay to fail at times, okay? You're doing good, Cee."

He suddenly blurted out.

I said exactly the same thing to myself but his words gave comfort to my heart.

No man is an island. You might do good on your own but a day will come that you'll need someone beside you. To comfort you.

"Last time, tinanong mo ako if I want to get to know you again." I looked at him. "I guess, it's not a bad idea." I said.

He looked happy.