Diffident.
This feeling will forever be etched into the core of my mind, of my being.
It hurts to think that you would leave one day, that you'd rather leave, than stay. It sickens me that I cant make you stay, nor, can I convince you otherwise.
Usually I dont feel like this, an utter mess. Truthfully, im not suprised at this outcome. I've witnessed this countless of times, the damage that ensues with this heart ripping tragedy, this cancerous feeling and up until ive always thought: "I would never let that happen," or "I would never let us get this bad." But I knew that one day it would be me in the exact same situation.
And so here I am, and there you are. our diffident youth that propels the world leaving nothing but us behind. It hurts. kills; and we can do nothing to stop it.
I want to do more. wanted to, atleast. to kiss you on your nose like those cheesy stories we made fun of late into the night, to laugh over something so stupid and dumb to the point that it'd make our lungs hurt, to cherish you more than humanly possible until you realized that I wasnt going anywhere; that I need you to survive, that i'd be with you until the end.
The thought that our joy is gone, that my joy is gone, that your're gone escapes me. I dont want to remember, but im scared that i'll forget you.
Like a flood it all comes back to me. Once the happiest memories of my life are now tainted with thought of "why didnt I notice before" or "why wasnt I better," strikes me from the inside out. It pales my skin to know why you did this.
That I was the leading reason for you to not be here with me.
//
i feel like i used diffident wrong :/
oh well.
im not changing it.
-mel <3
YOU ARE READING
still your best
General Fictioneach chapter is its own story and may or may not be adapted into a longer version in the future. mostly writing these for fun/whenever im feeling creative so dont expect much lol
