*Louis*
I had a laugh the whole night at dinner, when we watched the ball drop for new years. I wore my mask as i smiled and laughed. It was 12:12 when i excused myself to go to the loo. No one notice me leave. I thought, no one would notice if i left for real. I bit my lip as i crawled into my bedroom at Liam's house. We all stayed here when we wanted. Each of us having our own room. I stayed with my mum and sisters because they needed me. They didn't need me anymore.
I softly closed the door to make sure no one would notice before i locked it. We weren't aloud to lock doors for obvious reasons but night. I had to break that rule or i would be found out. I'm glad Liam and Harry met Megan yesterday. She was right for the gang, i could tell. She must be the angel i prayed for long long ago. Maybe when i first met the boys. I always loved that memory to be honest. It was my second favorite. The first one being, when Harry asked to be with me. As a lover.
I reached under the matress to where i hid a small little lock box. It had a code on it. I used the date that Harry and I finally made things offishal. It was my favortie date. I smiled as i turned the dial to each number slowly. 1-2-1-2. It was almost 12:13 so i was running out of time. So much time i was wasting sitting here thinking about the past. Now was not time for the past but i guess it was also. I mean it was the end right? There wasn't going to be a future so when not think of the past.
To think of the happy times that made things worth living. To think of the people who could make you smile. To my first kiss with anyone. The time i came out to my mum and family. When i first preformed in the theatur. When i first went to school, first went to a carnvial. The list just continued and now i understand what they mean. What they mean your life flashes before your eyes.
You see the things that have affected you the most. The things that made you who you are. On the inside of course, your parents determine what you look like on the outside. That was genetics and all that fancy stuff i don't want to think about. Well now i do actually. I mean, i started as to micro micro micro MICRO things and now i am what i am. I've grown and changed every second, every millosecond.
I don't think anyone could ever really explain how you feel when you're about to die to someone. I think it would feel different to everyone. No is the same and you are never the same twice. You may go back to picking an object up but even then it will never the same. Even if you do it the same way the next day. I was never gong to be the same, i was never going to be me again.
That thought didn't chill me like it normally would. Maybe i have finally come to terms with these thoughts that linger in my mind. I looked inside my small little box that i held in my lap. 12-14 read the clock. I wasted so much time right then, thinking. I looked back into the empty metal container that held my life inside it. There laying on the cold bottom was the first knife i ever used to cut. It was special to me in my own way.
It made scense to me to hold onto it. It was the start of something that led me to Harry and my happiness. Sadly my darkness always over took it. It's only right to use the thing i used to start this to end it. To end my pain. The pain that blinds me. Clouds my eyes, covering them so i can't see. I slowly took it in my grasp as i watched the clock. It now read 12-15. Three minutes gone. Something i'll never get back. I had to smile, but now i had forever.
R.I.P.
Louis William Tomlinson
12-24-92 ~ 01-01-11
