𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐢𝐚. [𝐒𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐀𝐭𝐬𝐮]

[5]

S a k u s a

     Everything is turning into absolute shit. I feel like I've hit rock bottom. After Osamu told me everything, it was like my heart got ripped out of my chest. The hatred and disgust I feel for myself is amazing. Absolutely negatively amazing.

     I had realized my mistake shortly after Atsumu left the apartment. I didn't call right away because I thought he needed some time. But I was too late. 

     I hope I can fix this. I need to fix it. Just thinking about the love of my life laying on a hospital bed, slipping in and out of consciousness, hurts tremendously. This is all my fault. 

     Everything I do results into more pain. Atsumu just wants to be loved, but I keep fucking everything up. I'm not good for him, I'm bad for him. I can't give him the love he deserves.

     I want to, oh my god I really want to. I want to change myself for him. I want to be the man who is worthy of his love. I want to be the only one who makes love to him. I want to be the one who he calls the love of his life. His savior. His love. His protector.

     Why am I now regretting every single life decision I've made.. I shouldn't be in this world, but here I am.. a selfish germophobic bastard, hurting the one I love most. The one I love more than anything. 

     I shouldn't have let my anger out on him. It wasn't just anger though. It was worry. I've been bottling up my worry for him for weeks without saying anything to him. Now that I know what happened to him.

     It makes my blood boil. I want to rip the guy who touched Atsumu into pieces. No wonder Atsumu gets scared when we're walking alone in the city. 

     "Ugh, what are you doing here." Osamu groans out obnoxiously. I scrunch up my nose and narrow my eyes at him.

     "I did tell you I was coming, didn't I?" I asked, walking closer to where Osamu is sitting. I immediately notice everyone around. Kita, Suna, Hinata, Bokuto, Suzuki. Shit.. they must be pissed.

     "Ughhhhh I thought you were bluffingggg." He tosses his head back and groans again. I turn around and walk to the reception desk. 

     "Excuse me, what room is Atsumu Miya in?" I catch a blonde ladies attention and she looks up from her computer. 

     "He's in room 304. May I ask your name and your relation towards him?" She asks, looking up at me with blue eyes.

     "Kiyoomi Sakusa, I'm his boyfriend." I reply, hesitantly pulling my mask down; forcing myself to get used to the fact that everything is fine. Everything is okay. I'm not going to get sick.

     "Alrighty. His room is down the hall on the right." She says with a smile and I start walking before hearing an upset Osamu shout. "WHAT?! HE CAN GO BUT I CAN'T?!" 

     I chuckle as the receptionist tries to keep him quiet. I walk down the hall, my eyes scanning every room number until it lands on 304. 

     My heart rate quickens as I enter, my eyes immediately landing on Atsumu laying on the hospital bed. Needles in his arm, a blood pressure machine hooked up to him, a heart monitor also hooked up to him. I walk closer and my heart drops, tears beginning to well in my eyes.

     "Oh, baby... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I did this to you.." My voice cracks as I pull a chair closer to his bed and sit in it, reaching my arm over and holding his hand. 

     I lay my head down as light sobs escape my mouth. "I.. I love you Atsumu." I lift my free hand up and caress his cheek. Light tears trickling down my face.