The Forest in His Eyes

After

"Do you have anything stronger than weed?"

***

I'm in hospital again, but not for the cancer. Funny, I'll be seeing a lot of this place in the future. Just didn't think I'd be back so damn soon. Mum's not amused.

My whole body felt like it was in overdrive, electricity humming through every vein, crackling into the air, charging the world around me. My foot locked the pedal to the carpet and the explosive punch of the engine radiated deep into my gut. Tires screeched, acrid smoke burning my nostrils, stinging my eyes. I didn't get very far. I just needed to feel that rush. To say fuck everything and feel powerful.

I'd stolen mum's keys and just took off. I didn't feel powerful. I felt an unspeakable rage. Why did everyone get to live on, my friends, every freaking person in this shitty town, this shitty world... and I...

It's not fair.

It's not...

The streets screamed with my presence. I was a danger to everyone and everything. If I died now, it wouldn't be so bad. I'd avoid months—years of agony. Maybe I wasn't thinking that deep. No, I wasn't. I can't even go back into that person's head. Sure, I can tap into those feelings, just like that. Not difficult at all.

I was spinning. Not my head. Literally, the car was in a whirlwind motion, my hands locked onto the wheel, the rush of vertigo overwhelming. I'd lost control. For a brief moment, I thought for sure this was it. That kid... I hardly know him.

I'd picked up speed, but whatever I hit didn't kill me. I had sat there, dazed, out of it all. There was pain everywhere, my ribs, my skull. I finally let go of the wheel and touched my head, feeling hot blood. Tears prickled my eyes. I'd fucked up. I'd fucked up so bad. Her car was totalled, I knew it. Mum was gonna kill me.

Someone found me, can't remember who. Helped me from the car. I saw the damage. I'd hit a signpost. There was a nasty dent in the front of the car. That was it. So the car was mostly fine. I, on the other hand, was falling apart in front of a stranger. He thought it was shock. He said I was lucky I wasn't dead. Poor, poor man. I wanted to scream how wrong he was to his face. But maybe I was, a little, you know. In shock. It just... If only it was just that.

A little over half an hour later, I was being treated in a small room for some bruises and a cut on the side of my head. Not a deep one, or particularly impressive. Nothing to brag about. Who would I brag to anyway? The kids at school are a world away. I can't even find it in me to talk to Carmine. I feel like she abandoned me. Abandoned me when I needed her most.

Just waiting for mum to walk through those doors now and unleash hell on me. I deserve it, I know I do.

When she does arrive, I can't look at her. My shades are fine, miraculously. A few scratches, probably. They're with me now. When aren't they?

But even with them, I can't look at her.

I can't read her.

In seconds, she's on me, squeezing me tight. And she's... crying.

"What were you thinking?" she demands.

I grunt. Something comes out, more beast than man. She asks again.

"I wasn't."

"Clearly." And then she pulls away, and all that motherly concern and fear is gone, replaced swiftly with scorn. "How could you?!"

The lecture went on. I felt appropriately lousy. I know you're disappointed in me, mum. I am too. But there was something else there, beneath the surface. Creeping up from that chasm. I'm so close to just falling, falling, falling...