The Forest in His Eyes

Unwavering Faith

Medical certificate handed in; the expected but heart-shattering sympathy smile from nurse. The little tremor in my lip because I know there is a sickness inside me slowly killing me. That if I don't do good this year, if I don't make it big, make it big fast... I die.

That mountainous truth-bomb crushes me into the pavement, leaves me dizzy to the point where my vision's all whack. It takes at least a minute to snap out of it. I almost vomit, only just managing to swallow it back with a grimace. Shit, I'm only one step outside nurse's office. Better not make this a habit.

I laugh at my own depressing humour. Someone has to, right? And then I take the scenic route back to my dorm. Which, to be honest, is like every route. God, but the sun hitting the horizon just over the mountains, the incredible vistas in every direction, a pine forest for days... Oh, and look left and there's those squat, ugly-ass science buildings. At least the music department is in the twenty-first freaking century.

It's first class I'm missing and there's only like forty minutes left. A good student would go to class regardless. I never said I was one of those.

Okay, but like... The stares, trying to bluff my way out of explaining I was dying of cancer and slowly self-imploding. Not cool. So, yeah. Rather just... have the dorm to myself, listen to music, sleep. Dream some more.

I pass Connor's office and I see him hunched over his desk inside but I don't want to knock. I just need... Crap... I guess to be alone. And I know that's messed up. I've been alone too long now. I wish I could make sense of it. It's like, I need space, a moment to breathe before I let people in. Find my rhythm, maybe give me enough time to come up with a halfway decent excuse. Um, aunt died. No, too personal. Um, dad's sick. Now I feel sick saying that.

I can just leave it at family shit. People get that. They respect that.

But Oscar. I need to tell him something more. He deserves the truth. And I just... Need to work up the strength to tell him. Kinda expect him to walk back into our room and I just blurt out: Yo, Oscar: I have cancer. Sorry for not telling you. I know I am a terrible friend. The worst! Please forgive me!

Okay, so maybe don't come on that strong. Shit...

I step into our... My old space. Breathe in the air. It's clean, kinda smells like lavender. Not sure if that's Oscar's doing or Ju took her chance to decontaminate. Like, my half of the room is spotless.

Heh. I'll fix that no time at all. Give me like, five minutes.

I dump my bag and sit on the edge of my bed. A long held-in sigh slumps out. This is... my second home. Everything feels the same. And... it doesn't. I'm not the same. It's gonna be harder for me to have that same fire Lina was going on about. I'm sure I'll be a lousy depressing fart. I'll keep Oscar out. I'll think those corrosive thoughts. And he can do nothing.

That's another thing. This room can't be my private sanctuary anymore. I inhale the scents, a tangy lavender undertone, Oscar's earthy musk and fancy-ass cologne. Oscar's been living here the past, what, two months now? Feels like no time at all. He accepted me, my loudness, my, um, acquired taste in music. All the awkwardness tumbling out in his presence. He would laugh, like, not a mocking laugh, but actual freaking delight. Little man is too pure. He cares and... I need to tell him. Shit. I need to tell him...

There's a text. Connor.

'Hi. I saw you come in. Didn't want to disturb you. When you're settled, I'd like if you came round my office for a quick talk. Get you back into the swing of things. Welcome back, Ansel.'

I smile, look around my room one last time, then feel all depressed. I burp. Okay, so things are starting to feel a bit more sane and normal. Think I'm as settled in as I'm gonna get. I said I wanted space, and I think I got it. Sit much longer and I'll just get all morose. Er, more morose. I'll curl up into my shell and Oscar will find a freaking cocoon. He doesn't need that.