Dirty Dom

8. Becca

I wish this bitch would just leave already. She doesn't even want to be here. She's digging for information. I can practically feel her claws. Her eyes keep looking all over the room, as if searching for some evidence of anything to bring back to her bitchy cabal.

Her daughter, Ava, is freaking adorable, but she's not the least bit interested in playing with Jax. Not that it really matters when they're three. But seriously, just fucking go home already. I watched Ava for an hour, fed them dinner – pizza since I didn't have time for anything else – and Cindy was just supposed to pick her up. Just scoop up your tyke and go.

I've had some really fucked up long days today and yesterday. I need to crash. Or go to a freaking mental institution. I'm not sure which.

Cindy's hand reaches out and touches my arm, bringing my focus back to her. It's fucking cold. I should start referring to her as the ice bitch.

She looks at me with a tilted head and a sad frown, feigning actual sympathy. I should hate this woman. She was friends with the woman I caught Rick with. She knew! But then again, they all knew. Everyone but me. "How are you really, Becca?" she finally asks.

How am I? I'm fucked. That's what I am. I'm seriously fucked in the head. I hate Rick, yet I miss him. More than that, I feel guilty about my dead husband. Ex-husband. I don't even know how to refer to him. I'm drowning in work. And I'm fucking a criminal who knows where I live. I'm not fucking okay. Nothing feels okay. My perfect world has been torn apart, flipped around and is practically unrecognizable.

But I'm not going to tell this bitch that. I don't even tell Sarah that. I mean, she knows. She figures shit out on her own. Like when she dropped the kids off. She knew something happened. I could see it on her face that she wanted to ask questions, but she didn't. I bet one of these days she's just going to drive me to a fucking shrink. The thought isn't as funny as I wish it would be. Rick wanted to take me to a shrink. He said I was unstable, and therefore should not have custody of Jax. Fuck, am I unstable? No. I close my eyes and turn my head away. I'm handling all this shit as best as anyone possibly could. I'm doing my best. I really am. My hands cover my face. I have no idea if it's good enough though.

Cindy's hand squeezes my thigh. "You can tell me; I'm here for you."

I give her a tight smile. "It's really hard working through the grief and anger. But I know everything will be fine with some time." I pat her knee and say, "Grief is a journey; I'm just moving through it." It's the truth. Well, a partial truth. The slimmest fraction of the truth. But the truth nonetheless. I'm not going to open my heart for this woman. I'm not going to do it for anyone. Not anymore. Just as the bitter thought creeps up on me, Jax squeals and Ava starts crying.

"Jax!" He's got her baby's blanket in his hands. I shake my head at him and say, "Sweetheart, give that back to Ava, please." Calm tones, display behavior you want to be reciprocated. I nod my head and smile. Positive reinforcement. I think about all the books I read when I was pregnant, and it all fucking goes out the window as Jax grins at me and takes off.

Little shit. I smile, chasing him down the hall and scoop his butt up. He lets out the sweetest laugh; it's the best sound in the world. I carry him back into the playroom, lifting his shirt and blowing raspberries on his stomach. I set him down and easily take the blanket away from him. Ava and Cindy are watching us. Poor little Ava has tears in her eyes still.

"Jax, say you're sorry to Ava." I grab his hand to keep him from running. I say a silent prayer that he just says sorry. I don't want to fight him. I don't want to have to sit him on the naughty step and go through all that bullshit.

"Sowry!" Cindy's got her hands on her hips, and her lips are pursed. What the hell? Does she want me to crucify him?

"Sweetheart," I say and hand him the blanket. "Help Ava tuck in baby..." Shit, I forget what she was calling the doll. "What's her name, sweetie?"

"Missy Jane," she pouts, but she's not sad anymore, now it's just for attention.

I smile at her and walk them over to Missy Jane. "Let's put Missy Jane to bed." I hand Ava the blanket and she tucks one end under the doll while Jax puts his finger over his lips and shushes. "Good job, you two! You make such a good team."

It feels like a workout, but at least they aren't screaming at each other and pulling each other's hair. Next year, maybe. I've heard of the terrible twos, and the fucking fours. Not looking forward to that one. I put a hand on Jax's back to keep him there.

"Time to say bye to Ava." I smile at the two of them and then Cindy, who's texting on her phone.

I can't help but wonder what she would think if I told her about him. About Dirty Dom. I don't know what he wants from me, but my heart clenches at how I kicked him out. I think he came to use me, but ended up being used instead. My smile broadens, not that Cindy would notice since she's still furiously texting.

I wonder what she'd think about him, and then I realize I really don't give a shit.