Gollum Joke, Video and Picture

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First, you must prepare to leave the Shire for once and for all, and head for the hills. 

You will be pursued by the mysterious Black Riders, so you must try to take a shortcut through an eerie woodland called the Old Forest, where you will be captured by an evil willow tree and rescued by Tom Bombadil. He will give you shelter and warn you about the evil spirits of the Barrow-downs. You will blunder into trouble with the Barrow-Wights, but Tom will come to your rescue again. You must then loot the Barrows before continuing on your way, taking a short sword left over from the kingdom of Arnor's ancient war against the Nazguls.

Your next stop shall be the village of Bree. There, at an inn called The Prancing Pony, you will meet a Man named Strider, whom the innkeeper will describe as a "Ranger." 

You will have to leave town hurriedly, and Strider shall offer to be your guide to Rivendell. To begin with, you will be suspicious of the Ranger until Butterbur produces a letter from Gagollum that Strider is actually Aragorn, chieftain of the Dunedain. 

You must then escape from the Black Riders in Bree, and purchase a pony from Bill Ferny, a suspicious character, before heading into the wilderness, taking a roundabout route to Rivendell. At a hill known as Weathertop, you will be ambushed by the Black Riders, and wounded. As you continue toward Rivendell, you will become increasingly ill, due to the evil nature of the dagger with which you were stabbed. 

Elrond, shall send people out looking for you, and one of these, an Elf lord named Glorfindel, will find you. Thanks to Glorfindel's horse (and some magical help from Elrond and Gandalf), you will be able to get by the Black Riders at the Ford of Bruinen and finally arrive at Elrond's stronghold, although your Barrow sword will be broken in the confrontation.

When you awaken in Rivendell, the first person you meet will be Gandalf, who shall chastise you for all the boneheaded moves you've made so far. 

You will then be summoned to the Council of Elrond, where Gloin will report that agents of Sauron have been nosing around Erebor looking for you. Legolas will inform you that gollum, who had been held in the custody of the Wood Elves, has escaped. Boromir will report that he had a dream in which he was told to seek the Sword That Was Broken, as well as "Isuldur's Bane". Aragorn will report that now that Isuldur's Bane has been found, the sword will be reforged. Gandalf will report that the former leader of the White Council, Saruman, has turned traitor and took Gandalf prisoner, although he escaped with some help from Gwaihir, the Lord of the Eagles). After much debate, the Council shall decide that your only chance is to proceed to Mount Doom, which is located right smack dab in the centre of Mordor, the land of Sauron. You will volunteer for this mission.

Since the mission will rely on stealth more than brute strength, Elrond will decide that a small group shall be sent with you. Gandalf will lead the group; Aragorn and Boromir go on behalf of Men; Gimli, son of Gloin, for the Dwarves; Legolas for the Elves; and Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin for the hobbits. Before you leave, Bilbo will give you his Elvish sword, Sting, and a chain mail shirt made of mithril silver, a very tough, beautiful, and durable metal.

You will depart from Rivendell, where you shall be prevented from passing over the Misty Mountains, due to the malice of Caradhras, and be pursued by wargs. Gandalf will have no option but to lead you to the gate of Moria. An ancient underground dwarven kingdom, Moria has now fallen into evil. You will encounter a demonic creature of fire and shadow called a Balrog. Gandalf will attempt to hold the monster at bay whilst you flee, and he will fall into a chasm, dragging the Balrog down with him.

You will now be led by Aragorn, escape from Moria and make your way to Lothlarien, an Elvish kingdom ruled by the Lady Galadriel and her consort, Celeborn. The Elves will give you shelter and supplies. Galadriel will show you and Sam her magic mirror, in which you shall see strange visions. Just before the Fellowship departs, Galadriel will bestow gifts upon you. Among these are Elvish cloaks that provide almost supernatural camouflage. To you, she shall bestow a glass phial in which a glimmer of the light of the Silmarils has been captures. To Sam, she will give a box of dirt.

You will travel downriver by boat, where you shall learn that you are being followed by gollum. Finally, you will arrive at the Falls of Rauros, where you must decide either to go directly east to Mordor, or west to Gondor first. You shall realise that it is you duty to go to Mordor, but you will be fearful the welfare of your companions. As you ponder your course of action, you will be approached by Boromir, who shall urge you to go to Minas Tirith, the capital city of Gondor. When you attempt to explain to Boromir that he cannot, he will fall into a rage and attack you, forcing you to escape from him, and depart for Mordor alone. Boromir will regain his senses and inform the rest of the Fellowship that you have disappeared. Everyone will scatter in confusion, except Aragorn, who alone keeps his head. He shall order Boromir to follow Merry and Pippin to keep them safe, then head off to find you. Sam alone will ascertain your intentions, and intercept you just you are casting off to cross the river. You will try and persuade Sam to stay behind, but he insist on going with you to Mordor.

Aragorn will follow your trail, but will be too late to catch you. 

As you and Sam try to escape the treacherous hills on the east side of the river, you will encounter gollum. You will succeed in taming him, and force him to guide you to the gate of Mordor. After a harrowing passage of the Dead Marshes, you shall reach the entrance to Mordor. However, the gate will be closed tight and swarming with orcs. gollum will claim that he knows of a less-guarded entrance to Mordor in the mountain passes to the south, and will offer to take you there. As you continue on your way, Sam shall become increasingly aware of a conflict between the two different parts of gollum's personality. The "Smeagol" half shall seem genuinely reformed, but the "gollum" half will be just as treacherous as ever. 

While passing through Ithilien, a forestland on the borders of Mordor, you and Sam will be captured by the Rangers of Ithilien, led by Faramir, Boromir's younger brother. When the Rangers capture gollum, you must bargain for his release. With Faramir's blessing, you will make you way to the vicinity of Minas Morgul, the city of the Nazgul, the second of the Two Towers. As you pass by, you will see a great host issue forth from the black city and head towards Gondor. 

gollum's path will lead you far up into the mountains. You shall come to the entrance of a dark tunnel, which gollum enters. You and Sam shall muster up your courage and pass within, and will quickly discover that the passage is a black maze and that your guide has deserted you. By using Galadriel's phial and Sting, you and Sam will escape from the maze, but will be attacked by Shelob, a giant spider. Sam will rush to your aid, but will be ambushed by gollum. By the time Sam extricates himself from gollum's grasp, you will have been poisoned. Sam will take Sting and drive the spider away, but the damage will have been done, and you will be dead.

Then, and only then, will your mobile phone contract with Talk Talk be broken.

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