Frozen 3 : Life's a Bitch but Snowmen are Pretty Cool

Life's a Bitch but Snowmen are Pretty Cool

Okay, so this is my first project(?) (I don't know what to call this) so this might not be as awesome as you thought this was going to be when you clicked on this. Stick around. This might get better if Wattpad gets shut down or whatever. I'm gonna be honest, this story is gonna be so fucking messed up you're gonna wish you had neve-

I'm gonna stop bitching about my stuff now and I'm gonna let y'all decide for yourselves. You might hate it but it just might end up being the kind of stuff people like. Also, I couldn't decide between making this super depressing or super hilarious so I guess that's another thing you're gonna have to tell me.

I'd love it if a 4 year old kid looking for some Elsa fanfics because apparently 2 Frozen movies weren't enough for them comes across this beautiful piece of art and gets traumatized for life because I don't know, I'm a terrible person. Consider this my not so subtle way of warning all the under 14 kids to scamper because this is adult stuff for adult people who do the aforementioned adult stuff. All right, enough babbling, let's get to the real stuff now. Hey! I got a tip for you guys! Read the bold text in a Ryan Reynolds voice and the Elsa stuff (regular text, you're welcome) in whatever voice you want because I don't really care.

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Hi. I'm Elsa and I'm an alcoholic. Wait a min- This ain't an AA meeting. Sorry. I get my AA and Wattpad confused. I'm Elsa and I am not sure what I'm supposed to write here. Holy fuck why is my brain so empty right now. Is writing that hard? God, was this a bad idea? I had all this stuff about Elsa being a drug addict, a drunk and I don't know how to put it all here. Do you wanna build a snowman? No, I wanna punch myself in the face for not writing down all those ideas I had for this. Anyway- Ima give the mic back to Elsa. Do you know she's fat now too? HAHAHA, I bet you didn't. Yes, I'm spoiling my own work here. Why the hell didn't I write my ideas down?

Yeah, so where was I before the rude super cute Brad Pitt type hottie took the mic? Yeah, that whole introduction thingy. God, that guy didn't even let me finish the intro. And why the fuck didn't he write all those ideas down? Who does that? Freaking imbecile we're dealing with here. Yeah so as he mentioned I'm fat, a drunkard and a drug addict. Yep. Queen Elsa, with her beautiful hair, her ice birthing hands (gonna regret that), and her royal elegance thing that apparently the kids love. Now, you must be wondering what happened, right? Well, that's what this story is for. I have the brief version for this and the long version too. I'm probably gonna do the brief one because someone didn't write all his awesome ideas for this. Hey! Don't blame me for my stupidity.

Moving on. The whole reason I am what I am right now is because almost everyone I love died. Just died and started living among the stars. Bet, the stars are far more interesting than me. I mean, I'm just a really pretty girl with white hair, who can freeze stuff and make castles and almost killed her sister twice. I mean, I was. Now I'm just a really pretty girl with white hair, who can freeze stuff and make castles and almost killed her sister twice and drinks a lot and does a lot of drugs and apparently "isn't Disney material anymore." Well guess what Disney, atleast I have-

Huh. I have nothing. Nothing but memories. And beer and drugs.

Wow, I really don't know what I'm talking about here. I mean, the only thing self abusive coming to my mind right now is alcohol and drugs. I mean there's some actual self abuse I can put here, but I don't really know much about all that. And don't get me started on how unfit I am for this job. I've only watched the first Frozen movie and I don't even remember much except for how Hans was a dick, Anna was so stupid (like girl, c'mon, even I ain't dumb enough to marry someone on the day I freaking met them), Olaf was a talking snowman (hiya Disney!), Whathisname and his reindeer had one of the best friendships if you exclude most of the actual best friendships in cinema... And wow I really don't have anything to write. This is what I get for overestimating my "writing talent". Elsa, can you just tell them how everyone died in the most nonchalant way because I kinda sorta suck at writing emotional stuff? You can? Good, that's great!

This guy is a total imbecile. I mean, c'mon dude. Really? At this point I'll do anything to make this stop. Yeah me too.

So I'm supposed to tell how everyone in Frozen 1 died, because you didn't see the sequel so you don't really know much about the characters? Sure.

So here goes. Hans died of AIDS a few years ago. Honestly, it's no surprise. The guy had too much sex for his own good. He was pretty hot though. I'd totally hit that. And his hair. Oh my lord. It's probably his hair that got him so many girls. Pretty sure he had a small dick. Who cares? He had awesome hair and that's what matters. The death of a guy with hair like that is such a fucking waste.

Oh, and don't get me started on Hannah. Annie. Anna? Yep, there it is. Don't get me started on that hoe. Bitch falls for Hans (I'm telling you, it's the hair), almost dies because of him, realizes that she doesn't need a boyfriend because women empowerment and proceeds to fall for Whatshisname. Oh, we were talking about deaths, right? Yeah, she died peacefully in her sleep in the arms of her beloved Whatshisname. That's what you get when you're voiced by Kristen Bell. (God, I hope she was voiced by Kristen Bell because if not, then wow this is sucking more than I thought it would)

Whatshisname is certainly living the life though. He opened a farm after Anna's death, fell in love with that overly talkative moose because all best friends have to fall in love or the cookie monster wouldn't be satisfied. Uh, he didn't really die though, so good for him, I guess. (See, not everything is about death, you sadistic morons.)

Okay, I feel like we're forgetting someone here. Hmmm. Who was that snowman guy no one cares about? (#justiceforolaf #olaflivesmatter) Yeah, Olaf! (Definitely didn't google that right now) Well, he melted to a puddle after he saw a woman use a carrot as a dildo in a porn video. Don't worry, the carrot that was his nose was used for a far more noble purpose (Not gonna give away any clues, but let's just say a dragon's death was involved)

And well that's it, I guess. You got anything else to say, respected author?

The name's Kai, respected Elsa and yeah, I had written down some stuff to add after I complete the story as an author's note or that acknowledgement thing they put after they're done.

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Whatever this was has been was written with no malice in my heart. It's all just a musing of a VERY bored mind. Depression is not a joke. Neither is drinking nor drugs. I don't know about sex. It sounds good, though.

I might come up with a part 2 or a Snyder cut or whatever in the future if I get any ideas. And if you guys have any ideas, recommendations, suggestions or anything for this story or any other thing you want me to fuck up, do share it with me, I'll be grateful. Requests for other stuff are welcome. I'm thinking of fucking up Tangled now, so we'll see how that goes. Again if you guys have any suggestions, I'm all ears. I can't think of any other way to beg for ideas so I'll just leave now. Compliments, complains and IDEAS, are very welcome. Thank you.