saudade; s.r

1.

TW // mentions of suicide, suicide attempts, depression, addiction, death

disclaimer // I do not claim to own or to have invented any copyrighted characters or concepts discussed in this work. I do, however, own the reader, her story, and the plot overall.

playlist // https://open.spotify.com/playlist/78WiwvLKAPxC0XRDpDLd7J?si=_y52owFtTjGlHxd_yYqDVg 

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saudade; (n.) a feeling of nostalgic longing for someone or something that one was fond of and which has been lost, carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the person or object might never really return. the love that remains.

5 months
5 days
9 hours
28 minutes

That's how long it's been since you were alive. How long it's been since you took your final breath. How long it's been since you were begging the universe to let you see Spencer one more time. And in that amount of time you've come to terms with the fact that you are not with him anymore, and you hopefully won't be for years to come.

The hardest part of death has been watching Spencer from above and not being able to help him. He's in denial. He doesn't understand that you're not alive anymore and it's killing him.

He's not eating, he can't, you loved food, how could he enjoy it without you? He's sleeping too much, of course he is, dreams are now the only way he can see you, feel you, touch you, smell you, taste you, and if he can't do those things then he can't survive, right? He's staring at the piano, the one you've had since you were a child, but he can't bring himself to play, his notes will never have the rhythm that yours did, so why bother? He's staring at the bookshelf, at the books that you organized, but he isn't able to read any, reading was your peace, who would he be to disturb that? He can't listen to music, it was the only thing that calmed you, why should he be allowed to feel calm when he doesn't know if you are? He doesn't workout anymore, it was the way that you released stress, what would he do if he didn't have stress keeping him alive? He doesn't breath anymore, you can't, why should he?

If Spencer doesn't acknowledge the fact that you're dead it will keep eating away at him, piece by piece, cell by cell, atom by atom, until the only thing left is a shell of the man you were once proud to call the love of your life. You honestly can't say that you're proud of him right now, when the only thing you've ever wanted for him was to be happy, and he's determined to make sure that he's anything but.

1 year
5 months
5 days
9 hours
28 minutes

The five stages of grief. Everybody knows them, everybody despises them. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It's been a year and a half now, and Spencer's angry. He's not really in denial anymore. Your birthday was the kickstarter for him, you weren't there for him to spoil and celebrate all day, that hit him hard. So now he's angry.

He's angry at the man who killed you, that's obvious, but he's angry that the man is dead, that he didn't get to punish him, throw him in prison, torture him, kill him with his bare hands. He's angry at the man who killed you.

He's angry at the team, they couldn't save you, they save people for a living, they do it everyday, yet they couldn't save you. You think he's going to quit soon. He's angry at the team.

He's angry at the universe, it knows that you are everything to him, that he can't live without you, can't breath, can't eat, can't function without you, yet it took you from him. He's angry at the universe.

He's angry at you, logically he knows it's not your fault, but what if you had just held on a little longer? Kept your eyes open just a minute more? Tried harder to stay with him? You guys had your whole life ahead of you, marriage, kids, white picket fence, the whole nine yards, was that not enough? Was he not enough? He's angry at you.