Even If I Break In Two

Touchdown

January 20, 2021

Beverly Hills

The plane landed just after 9pm. Southern California rarely got rain this time of year, and she couldn't help thinking that the light drizzle that greeted them was nature's way of saluting her current mood. The bitch. Couldn't they have returned to a nice, clear evening, ready usher in tomorrow's promises? After all, that's what the whole day had felt like. She was still flying high from it- the performance, the energy, the HOPE. The last four years had been full of so much heartache and division. But today.....today at the inauguration had felt like a new beginning. A rebirth. While there, she was as elated and caught up in it as anyone. The feeling had continued long after the ceremony-- meeting all of the Bidens, getting to hug the AMAZING young poet that had brought her to tears, participating in meaningful conversations about how to drive change and kindness through art. Stefani left DC with a head swimming with inspiration, and it didn't hurt when Bobby announced that her dress and performance were trending big on social media.

So, why the drop now? A little bit was to be expected, and happened often to her following an amazing performance. But, it seemed like her mind had just crashed on the flight west. Stefani found herself falling into the deep introspection that was her unsung hallmark. "Unsung" because it often went unrecognized as the quality that drove her greatest achievements. Instead, all anyone seemed to see was the obvious cost it brought to her, physically and emotionally.

She couldn't blame them for wanting to help- the valiant efforts to spin and soothe and lift her out of her the depressive episodes that came alongside. But the older she got, Stefani realized that one came with the other. And trying to "rid" herself of the depression or acting like it didn't exist would also mean denying the intense reflection that motivated her best work. Separating the two was really just not possible. It didn't make it any easier though.

Accordingly, when they exited the plane, the irony of a dueling urge to burst into tears and start running around and laughing in the rain like an idiot was not lost on her. She'd need to record her feelings in that moment ASAP- could make for a good song.

Once the SUV's pulled out, Michael turned to her. "You've been quiet. Everything ok?"

A loaded question if ever she'd heard one.

"Yeah, just thinking about everything. Thank you for being there today."

"I always want to be there for you. You were..are... amazing."

How is he so sweet? Always complimenting her. Unwaveringly supportive. Michael was one of the only people who seemed to accept all sides of her. He joked lightheartedly about loving "all of the Stefanis," but to her it wasn't a joke. He was someone with who she could be herself ....who stood by her and allowed HER to be great, just has she was, whoever she was that day. The team she so carefully surrounded herself with offered it as well, but to have it in a partner had been rare. It had really only been Michael. Well.....that wasn't true. But none of them ever talked about that history anymore.

And, she understood. It was her that had asked for it to be that way, indirectly at least. In fact, she didn't doubt that an explicit memo had been sent out at some point by Bobby or one of the other inner circle to everyone in the Haus, kindly requesting that they abstain from all references to him, for her sake. She could only imagine the closed-door conversations during those couple of weeks.....the weeks that seemed like a pool of memories and consciousness through which she could barely swim. It didn't matter though. She had made it to the other side. Or so everyone complimented her at the time.

Tonight, out of nowhere, she wasn't so sure. As the suburban drove north towards home---towards a well-earned rest, and relaxation and ....solace(?).. she couldn't help but wonder. Now, with Michael, that time in her life seemed so long ago. But it wasn't really, was it? True, the world and her life had gone through so much change recently, but chronologically speaking, it was barely a moment ago. Offhand, she wondered to herself how much time it should take? Was it possible to put a deadline on the healing process? Were a certain number of changes and events and happy times supposed to cancel out the feelings of loss? What about the Stefani that was lost with him? Because after all- she hadn't seen that girl since the last day he was there. 

New York- Earlier that Evening

He just needed to hit send or fucking go to bed. The text had been up on his screen for the last six hours, and the indecision over sending it was starting to feel beyond psychotic. On one hand, he desperately wanted to congratulate her. The election meant so much to her, and the fact that she had delivered such a stunning performance elated him for her. He knew she had to be on cloud 9, and although he was sure she had throngs of people around her and congratulating her, for some reason he needed to make sure she heard it from him as well.

At the same time, he questioned whether he had the right to even think of her, much less try and communicate. It had all gone so badly, and so quickly. Despite the months since, he was still almost reeling from it. And, he knew that trying to reach out—on a night that must be so happy for her—might just be one more dick move. He remembered the time she talked about receiving flowers from her ex on the day of the super bowl. It had almost derailed her, bringing so much pain despite the seemingly kind gesture. Hearing that made him swear to himself that he would never be that guy that with anyone, consciously or unconsciously. Who knew that almost four years later he'd be sitting (possibly, almost) in that seat. And WITH her. He didn't want to cause her a moment's more pain.

In the end, though, he decided to be selfish. She had told him once that despite everything, he always had a friend in her. He didn't deserve it- then or now- but he wanted to tell his friend how amazing she'd been. How proud of her he was. How truly amazing SHE was. And maybe, if he said it now and enough times in the future, maybe she would begin to see that he still believed it wholeheartedly. His hands shook as he hit the small blue arrow, but soon enough his short video had begun its journey to the west coast.