Timeless

I bled at an instant thought of you...

"Who am I to question you? Who am I to judge what you do? Am I supposed to be there

to endure all the expositions of the crowd? Am I supposed to stand aside and

gaze on your glorious triumph?

It was I who was there and it will be I who will be there if you hail my name."

Hazel,

Oct.27 2009

I remember writing those words, those lines. I

know that diaries are supposed to be so true that you shouldn't really think

twice what to write on it. But I just want to make it more humane though. I

don't want to swear a lot even if I want to. It has been my confidante for

months now.

Months ago, I decided that after we go to church

I'd just ask him to drop me home. I don't feel confident in having those

intimate moments anymore. Was it really about my confidence or my corrugating

trust for him? I think both were the issues. Anyhow, I made up my mind to drop

all of it. Maybe it's all something that I need to finally realize I don't need

intimacy in my life. So instead of being with him I geared up and started

shaping my body up. But on how I ended up in this alley, wet, murky, lonely,

dark... I don't have an inkling thought how. The rain has been pouring down on

me... who knows for how long now. I just can't mobilize my body. I can't move

my fingers and I can't utter a sound. My body's frozen. I feel frozen but not

cold or maybe I am just too numb to feel it. I can feel all my memories

slipping away slowly. My senses are departing my body... was one plus one

equals two? Yes...the answer is two, but why am I trying to convince myself it

has to be three? Or maybe that was only from something that I happen to read

when I was able to do so? Now how do you spell the word that actually means

fear of water? Was it...was it...was it... Did I have some apples last night

rather than kiwi? I am too tired to think of it. All I can ever think of is the

alphabet. Am I dying? Yes, sure... I never thought dying could be something

like this. It's fuzzy, stupid, fuzzy, stupid... and just everything is slowly

becoming dark until I finally closed my eyes and my mind sank into an endless

pit.

Even I felt like I was leaving earth too soon, I

could still hear some birds chirped. They flew past the dark clouds. They

shouldn't be flying now. The rain was going to get heavier and their little

wings would be hurt. There was very little things I knew about nature. I

grieved on the idea that I never spent time looking around to take in

everything to it. I could have gone in so many places and see what I could have

done there. Instead I chose to be with

someone I thought loved me dearly. I thought if I'd love and be sacrificial in

any way, I could have a merit from it. But maybe it was my fault. I pounced

into something I didn't even know how deep and expected something in return.

Should I just love without taking anything?

And I was in an alley,

half sobbing. I see anger in my own eyes, loneliness and despair. I was trying to

push my tears away. I saw myself ran.

I was desperate for a leeway. I followed the path I took. It felt strange to

see my doppelgänger made her way through the clearing. Am I dreaming? I couldn't

remember that I had gone in this place.

I pushed through series of branches scraping

my face to see what I was doing at that time. Maybe it will give me a better

understanding of why I am dreaming like this...

-This is my first story on Wattpad and thank you for reading!

There will be more to come so stay tuned! :)