Illuminated by:ReversedHipster

Chapter 4

I felt as though the wind was knocked right out by very being. I stared at him, my eyes nearly bulging out of my skull as I hear his words replaying over and over again. "You're not human."I hear, non-stop, my brain refusing to accept it. As soon as I felt as though I could breathe again I look at him, angrily in the eyes, and begin to speak. "What. Did you just say to me.?" And he didn't respond right away. I could see the guilt in his features, painting his form in a sea of regret. Fifteen minutes go by until he speaks again, answering my question. "I said, you're not human...listen, Roderick, you don't remember anything from that time but, although your human body and mind is new, your soul..it's been here before. Does the name, Lucious sound familiar?"I hear him ask me. As I try to recall, I become aware as someone else's memories cloud my mind, my eyes seeing someone else's life. I struggle to come to terms with this sudden realization, I'm just so confused. "But...but this can't be true! I'm ME! I'm Rodrick William Harris....no, NO!!..what the ever living fuck is going on here?!?" I scream at Alduin, his face contorting with unease as I shout at him. I just..I can't believe this. It just can't be true. But, my mind deceives me, it's traitorous thoughts reminding me, that I am Lucious. That I am this person, and my entire mortal life has been a lie.

"Rodrick, I hadn't meant to tell you this this soon but you insisted. Your mental instability, your depression, your suicidal thoughts, all of that related to your past, a past you can't even remember all that clearly. Even your mortal body are all results of your treason. You didn't obey the Order, and so they cast you away. They plagued you with a punishment equal to your crime. You, Lucious, were a descendant of the angel of light. I'm sure you're at least aware of who He is, correct?" I hear Alduin, speaking in my head. I shake mine, my mind and body numb after the shock of learning who I am and used to be.

Although my entire mind has gone for a loop, I continue to sit there, watching Alduin explain to me the details of my past life. As an angel. In my mind, I laugh mockingly, harshly at myself as I listen to everything he tells me. Of course I know who he's referring to, the mighty Lucifer himself in all his malevolent glory. "Well, anyways your Father is Lucifer...and as a result of raping an innocent woman, you were born. You were half mortal, half demon and the Order took pity on you and brought you here. This place..was your refuge, as we taught you how to contain the darkness inside of you. But, you couldn't control it after awhile, it was too much for you to handle. You began to lash out at those around you, disobeyed the Order when you had promised to try. You gave up..and the punishment they cast for you was for you to be sent back to Earth where you came from. You could no longer control your hatred for yourself and you envied others because they didn't have your burden. The darkness was seeping out of you more and more the older you got, and I watched you grow. Year after year, watching you attempt killing yourself knowing you had so much potential despite the darkness inside of you. I stopped you every chance I could, every attempt you made I was a step ahead. So when I found you on that bridge I caught you and stopped you. I couldn't watch you try to kill yourself again, I just couldn't...I failed you once and I never want to do that again."I look up at him, as his voice stills in my mind, to see his eyes glistening. He looked on the verge of breaking down altogether, and for a moment I thought I would too. It wasn't his fault I was a fucking bane of existence. Apparently others want me to die just as much as I do, but then that one person comes along, showing that they care and I wonder why he'd care about someone as insignificant as me. I was nothing special, I was 6'5 ft of pure annoyance and disdain. My shaggy black hair messily sits atop my head, falling forward, covering my dark brown eyes as I stare at Alduin as he seems to try to control his emotions. I never thought he'd feel so strongly about this, the guilt must be eating him alive, I thought to myself. I begin to feel uncomfortable as my clothes seem tighter than usual, like they're trying to suffocate me. After another moment of silence I walk over to him, my sneakers scuffing against the floor, as I sit next to him. I leave us a little distance before speaking, my voice quiet "...I'm sorry. For *sighs* everything. I can't imagine the trouble I've put you through...I never wanted to be a burden. *scoffs* hell, I didn't even want to exist." Silent tears roll down my cheeks as I continue "but, I'm here and I guess I can't change that. I guess in a way...thank you. I probably would have went the rest of my life miserable and hating myself. I still do..but now I know it's not totally my fault. Everything from my past seems like just a fabricated reality...so I shouldn't believe everything they fed me to believe." I finish, although I have so much left to say, I leave it be. I feel a hand on my shoulder then, as I turn to look Alduin in the eyes again. "No need to thank me, but if you must just know that all is forgiven" he smiles a small smile, before his face returns to its monotonous mask. He removes his hand from my shoulder then and stands up motioning for me to do the same. "Come. I think we both need some rest, yeah?"he says, and I nod agreeing with him. All of this has just been so confusing and stressful...some sleep could definitely help me tonight.

We exit the sitting room and go down a parallel corridor, leading to another row of doors. Alduin continues to walk until he meets the end of the hall and opens the door to the right of him. He motions for me to enter, before he enters behind me. In the room, lies a huge king size bed, the red and gold color scheme painted all over. Over to the left, ahead of the door lies a small desk and chair, with an oil lamp sitting upon it. A few feet from the bed lies a full body mirror and next to it a door leading to either a closet or bathroom. I walk across the dark, cherrywood floor in awe before sitting on the bench in front of the bed. "You can take the bed, I'll be up for a while." I hear Alduin speak. "Are you sure? I can't possibly take up this whole bed." I ask, genuinely surprised at his remark. "I'm sure, you need the rest more than I do. I'll live." He exclaims before sitting himself at the desk and beginning to scribble in a journal he pulled out from his jacket. The text on the front seemed to be in another dialect, so I let it pass for now. "Well goodnight." I say before stripping out of my hoodie, converse and skinny jeans, left in only a t shirt and boxer shorts. I fall into the bed, the heavy comforter enveloping me in its warmth and soon I'm off to sleep. But, before I am fully gone, I softly hear Alduin's voice in my head whispering "goodnight. Roderick".

I wonder what's in store for us tomorrow.