I'm Not Worth It (Niall Horan)

Chapter 3

Harry's POV:
I know you all think it's easy, being 'famous'. It's really not. People label ME as the
most popular one,
the hottest one,
the best singer,
they think my life is perfect even though it is far from it. As well as being labelled as those things I am also labelled as,
The man whore,
The 'spotty' one,
The player,
The ugly one,
I also get things yelled at me such as,
"CUT YOUR HAIR HARRY! YOU LOOK HORRID LIKE A HOBO WITH IT LONG, ARE YOU TOO LAZY TO DO ANYTHING WITH IT NOW!?"
"DO YOU EVER WASH YOUR HAIR IT LOOKS SO GREASY"
"YOUR SUCH A PLAYER"
"YOU OBVIOUSLY DATE ALL THOSE GIRLS TO COVER UP THE FACT YOUR GAY!"
"YOU HAVE THE GAYEST TATTOOS"
"YOUR SUCH A DICK TO THE BOYS AND OTHER FAMOUS PEOPLE, WHY!?"
"WHY DO YOU SOMETIMES ACT LIKE YOU DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR FANS!? DO YOU OR NOT?"
And guess what, all these things i get yelled at me, or told to me do hurt. I haven't been as 'happy' recently, put it that way. I have this 'issue' where I focus more on the negatives than the positives but I think it's the same for everyone. The negative things that are yelled at you stand out more than the positive. I try to be happy, for cameras I'm still "me" I'm still happy, funny, carefree Harry Styles. Behind the fake smile I've become..........depressed. I know what you may be thinking, 'do you cut now!?' Yes and no. I have quite a few times, and what people say is right it does relieve pain, and no, because I haven't done it particularly bad in my opinion, there are a lot of them though, it's probably bad enough to scar, but it won't be obvious to the eye.
I try to be happy, i try to not come across as ungrateful, I mean my life's not that bad compared to some others, I have an amazing family, friends and and incredible job/opportunity that not many people get. Just it all gets too much sometimes, like I have feelings too and the things that would hurt a regular person are going to hurt me too, I am a regular person.
The boys noticed the change in me a while back
*FLASHBACK*
"Hazza can we all talk to you?" Lou asked me
"Yeah" I glumly replied following him down the stairs to where all the boys were sat.
We all sat in silence for a while, Liam was the first to speak up.
"Haz, i believe I'm speaking for all of us here, and we've noticed a 'change' in you" I looked around me and saw..almost..upset faces.
"Hazza, we ALL love you, obviously and I'm just gonna put this bluntly, you've been acting depressed..." I opened my mouth to speak but I was instantly shut off by Liam talking again.
"You don't need to explain or say anything to us we understand why, it the paparazzi and the rumours etc. We know it is. We've all been getting it too, just not as bad and it hasn't effected us as much" this was probably meant to make me feel better but it's made me feel a bit worse if I'm honest, I feel like I was being selfish the whole time, not thinking about the others, how they must be getting it too.
Liam continued.
"Stop overthinking Haz, We're not going to judge you, and none of this is to make you feel any worse, we just care for you a lot and we want the best for you."
I smiled to myself at that knowing I had these boys here for me, like always. I decided to say something.
"Thanks guys it does mean a lot, I know it's not even that bad I don't even really get why it's effecting me that much, but it just is. I'm trying to be strong, and I'm sorry..for not thinking about you guys as much. I mean I bet, no, I know all of you have suffered some hate. And it must be hard for you guys too. But thank you!"
They all looked at me and smiled. As I was about to get up to leave I heard someone clear their throat, Niall spoke up this time.
"We hadn't finished. So. We've all decided to give all of us a break, especially you. were going......to.......DISNEYLAND!"
I looked around at all the boys smiling faces and for the first time in a long time I was properly smiling. I've always loved places like Disneyland (A/N I know Harry doesn't like roller coasters but for the sake of this book pretend he does) all the rollercoaster are amazing and the atmosphere is incredible. I just can't stop thinking that something will ruin it, whether it be too many screaming fans, or too many paparazzi shouting rumours and things that will upset me again. But sticking on the positives I love theme parks!
I start to stand up slowly whilst saying
"Thank you guys so much, for everything, I can't wait! I just can't help but think SOMETHING will ruin it but oh well, I'm going to go back upstairs now I'll se...." I was abruptly stopped mid sentence by Lou saying in a worried/panicky voice.
"Hazza what that?.."
I looked down to realise I wasn't wearing bracelets and the bottom of my sleeve had rolled up. No. No. No. It was going fine. It was going great. They're going to find out shit. In a panic I pulled my sleeve down and said
"Nothing. It..it's nothing"
They all looked at me, shock, disappointment, sadness painted on their faces.
Lou grabbed my arm and pulled up my sleeve. Around 6 fresh cuts were sat there on my arm along with around 7 faded ones. They all examined my arm whilst I looked away to embarrassed and ashamed to look at them. After what felt like hours but in reality was most likely one minute I yanked my arm away. I mumbled an "I'm sorry" and with that I sprinted up the stairs to my room and locked the door.....
*END OF FLASHBACK*
That's all put me where I am today, still living with the boys I'm not at rehab or anything. I have cut again twice but it has been 3 weeks since that day the boys found out, after explaining everything they all took it pretty well, but they haven't stopped watching me like hawks, they were disappointed when they found out I cut those two times, but in my opinion twice in 3 weeks is progress.
Anyways were all on the way to Disneyland at the moment. I am excited but the negative thoughts are flowing round my head.
I see Zayn look at me from his seat in the car. He can tell I'm thinking negative thoughts, he shoots me a sympathetic look as I turn away. I just hope the negative things stay as just thoughts and don't become reality.
____________________________________
Authors Note:
Of course before anyone gets mad I DO NOT THINK ANY OF THESE HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT HARRY! It was all for the story. And I also don't thing Harry would cut or anything but as I said it's a story not really life but yeah :)
I know it's still. Bad I'm just hoping it gets better still please give it a chance :)
•Molly :)