Falling In Love With The Past

Chapter Four: Moonlighting

My eyes felt ponderous and swollen. I could barely open them as I turned on my side and looked out the window. The sun was beautiful, breathtaking even, gleaming through the curtains, enlightening everything in its path, giving even the most monotonous entities, life. The birds were chirping their song, everything seemed so tranquil and it made even a renouncer have conviction in the world. But I was not a renouncer nor a believer. I just was. I couldn't allow myself the time for such heavenly pleasantries, not today at least.

I went to wash my face and sat at my desk, away from the window, away from whimsical reality. I grabbed a notebook and a pen. I had planned this many times in my head but now I felt the need to write it down on paper, as if having it inscribed in this journal would make it clearer for me and give me the courage and tranquility I very much needed. I placed the tip of the pen on the first page, and everything I had yearned for years to do was filling up the pages of the journal. Planning, methodizing, and I spent hours thinking of every possible outcome. Perfecting every part to ensure my complete control of every situation. It wouldn't be much longer until---

There was a knock on my door, interrupting me from my thoughts. I turned my head, looking at the door, hoping whoever it was would go away. There came another knock and I sighed putting away the journal in a locked drawer. "Come in." The door opened slightly, and Riley poked her head through the opening. Tentatively and unsure she opened the door wider and stepped inside, closing the door behind her. She walked to the edge of my bed  slowly. She was being careful, treating me as if I were a ticking bomb, awaiting to set off and blow into pieces. I turned around in my chair, facing her as she now sat on the bed.

"You got up early this morning."

"Yeah I did. I figure my mind is refreshed and concentrated in the morning."

"Oh. Were you sketching?" She smiled hesitantly.

"Riley. Can we please skip the small talk? I've never been a fan of theatrics." I knew why she was here. There was no need to beat around the bush. The faster she got to the point the quicker she would leave.

"I know you are upset, but Kase and Nate told us what happened and they were worried. Worried about you as are Thomas and me."

"And what happened Riley? Please enlighten me on what it is that Kase and Nate saw."

"Camilla don't act on this attitude of yours, you are unbearable when you get like this."

"Like what?"

"Like a defensive brat."

"I have every right to be defensive. Also, I am not a brat, as overindulgence has never existed for me, remember?" Riley was getting exasperated.

"Camilla. Have you been consuming again?"

"Oh you can say it Riley, there is no need to walk on eggshells. Have I been snorting cocaine up my nose again?! Have I been getting high! No I haven't. Is that what you wanted to hear. Do you feel better now!" Riley sighed.

"We are just worried about you Camilla."

"Why huh. All because I disappeared for a while. I am not a child that has to be under constant supervision. Do you really think of me so lowly? Thinking that the moment that anyone in this family turns their back I will be getting high out of my mind."

"Kase said that when she found you, you weren't lucid, you were distant and confused."

I scoffed "I thought by now Kase would have learned how a person looks when they are high off cocaine."

"Right thanks to your example she does." She held a regretful look on her face as soon as the words left her mouth. "Im sorry Cami. I didn't mean to say that."