Normal Looks Better Naked (MxB)

Chapter 18 - Singularly Spent

Chapter 18 - Singularly Spent

‼️POINT OF VIEW SWITCHAROO‼️

Connor's POV:

I knew I shouldn't have done it.

Wow! That sentence could encompass a lot of times in my life. I've come to regret so much that I've done and I'm only 26.

When Noel leaned over that console in his parents's, now his, luxury SUV, I should have stopped it. I should have told him "NO". I could have told him any number of things that would be true, that's I'm not a good guy, that there is going to be someone so much better out there for him.

Anything would have been better for him than the truth. The truth, is always uglier than you wish it was. Cause humans are ugly, our souls get all tangled up and knotted up with each other. There is no singularly good person in this world, we've all done bad things, some have done even worse.

The truth to why I didn't stop him, the truth to why I will never stop him.

I'm selfish.

Despite everything I've done, all the mistakes that I have made and all the horrible things I've made Noel feel, I like him too much.

When we met in high school, it was like a perfect storm. I had just realized that I might be gay, and from what I had experienced from my father... I hated it. I didn't want to feel those thing for him, a small, weak boy that had every advantage in the world. He was smart, his parents were there for him, and he was gorgeous. I hated him, and loved him all in one instant.

It started innocently, small things. Pushing in the hall, name calling, that soon progressed to more aggressive touches. Touches that I loathed myself for, every moment I touched his skin made me love him and hate myself more. Years passed, and my father's touches changed from sexually aggressive, to downright brutal beatings.

I was getting too old to satisfy his urges, and the fact that my own aging was bringing me pain made me hate myself. I hated myself for growing up, for not staying young so his touches wouldn't hurt so much. Then I hated myself for wishing for his touches to be sexual. Truthfully I just wanted it to stop. Anyway I could get it too, I was looking for a way out.

Every time I tried, every time I brought a razor to my skin I chickened out... and I hated the world for that!!

I was so angry, so angry that the only thing that snapped me out of it, was ruining the only thing I liked in this world. I raped him, and when I never saw him again... I didn't hate anyone anymore, I was just sad.

My feelings weren't evolved, they weren't complicated or convoluted. They weren't hard to understand, they were simple, and yet the situation took years.

From the moment Noel left town, I had been in therapy. Spending each week diving deep into my past, just so I could get over it. Did I? Sorta.

When I finally came out of the police academy, I arrested my father for possession of child pornography, amongst other charges. While it ostracized me from a lot of people, from friends and family, it helped me heal. Along with my therapist, a skilled psychiatrist had prescribed a mild anti-depressant to help with my anxiety and depression.

I was in a good place, when Michelle and David Brenner had to tumble their car. Suddenly Noel was seated in front of me and I was back to feeling conflicted.

How I managed to be in this moment, pressing the softest, most beautiful sad boy's body into his mattress, I don't know!!

"You're gorgeous, sweet boy." I tumbled the words into the shivering boys ear.