Until I Met You

1

 There's a certain feeling I get when I'm about to perform. My hands are shaking. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest I can almost hear it over the music of the performer before me. I try and think about things to distract me from this adrenaline rush. For example, I think about that feeling I get when I'm driving down the highway with my windows down and the sun warming my skin. 

That's the exact memory I tried to think of when I found out my mom passed. The only problem was, she was the one in the car with me. Sitting in the passenger seat soaking in the sunlight as much as she could. None of us knew when it would be her last day in the sun. Her eyes were closed while her head was tilted up towards the sunroof. There was always a smile on her face. In these moments, it seemed as though she wasn't sick. As though it was just another day in the California sun. 

I got that same feeling when I found out we lost her. The feeling I get before performing. I had gotten home from school to find my dad in the living room waiting for me. That's when I knew the worst had happened. This time though, that certain feeling wasn't a good thing. 

Ever since that day, I haven't step foot in a dance studio. I'm scared that the feelings colliding like they did will make me think about my mom's death when I really don't want to think about it anymore.  

As I watch the sun set through the car window, I think about the past few days that I have spent in the car with my dad. We have taken turns driving when the other gets tired. I told him I didn't want to stop overnight so that we could get here faster. I agreed to spend the rest of my senior year with my dad back in his hometown. When I graduate, I'm leaving for London anyway so I need to spend as much time as I can with my dad. 

"Your grandparents will be happy to see you," my dad's voice brings me out of my thoughts. "They have been watching you grow up through social media."

I roll my eyes, "Dad, they just saw me last Christmas."

"Yeah they see you every major holiday but other than that, I moved out when I was 18 and since your mother needed to stay in California, I stayed with her."

"Well, I will be happy to see them too. Although I'm not too happy we are staying with them."

My comment made my dad laugh softly. "They live in an estate. I'm sure they will go unnoticed, and I'm sure you will barley be home to even see them that much."

"Maybe," I look back out the window as my dad makes his way off the highway. Back in California I was rarely home. With the number of hours I was training at the studio, I wouldn't get home till close to 10 o'clock during the week. And Saturdays I spent studying and doing schoolwork at my coffee shop with my best friends, Emma and Maria. We were all on the same dance team. That's where we met when we were 13. I don't recall a day where I didn't see them, and now I'm on the other side of the country. 

After we pass the welcoming sign, the town starts to come into view. It's already a lot different than the big city I grew up in. The buildings are pushed together, the roads are narrower, and fewer cars are on the streets. I guess that's what happens when you live somewhere where everything is in walking distance. 

Right in the center of all these buildings is Blue Ridge Park. A patch of land with trees, benches, a playing field, and walking track where moms are pushing strollers while gossiping about the latest scandal. There are people everywhere enjoying this beautiful weather. It's nearing the end of fall so the trees are covered in colorful leaves making the scenery straight out of a movie. I notice a group of boys playing football on the field and people are off to the side on blankets watching them. 

Dad drives around the park in the roundabout and ends up on the other side that leads to a few neighborhoods. He continues driving down the road and then makes a right turn into a gated community called Ridge Estates. The houses are your normal Victorian style estates with large fenced in yards, flowers around the wrap around porches, sprinklers going off. As we pass all these houses, it almost feels like this is the beginning of a coming-of-age movie. That's how I can describe my life right now.