YOU'VE GOT MY DEVOTION!

12

Dear Diary,

Why is life so cruel to me? What have I ever done to be treated this way? I was minding my own life, taking care of my little sisters with the little but sufficient money I got from the street fighting. I shouldn't have met him. I shouldn't have spoken to him. I shouldn't have agreed to that fuxkin contract. I shouldn't have let him into my peaceful life.

Few months before the divorce was a literal hell to me in every sense. I fell in love with him; I thought that we could atleast get a second chance at our relationship when we consummated our marriage. I agree it wasn't a real or happy one in the beginning; but fell in love with our little arguments, the way I can get a reaction out of him. I fell in love with the way we kissed; angry yet filled with a touch of passion, love and lust. I fell in love with the way my name falls out of his tongue and the cute nickname he had for me. I fell in love at his attitude, care and affection towards my sisters. I fell in love with the way he fell back on the couch after a tired day; sleeping exhaustedly while little snores left his mouth and I couldn't help but to carry him back to the bedroom, so that he could have a proper sleep without his back throwing a tantrum. I fell in love with him after knowing that Harry Styles was an arrogant, egoistical jerk who is too narcissistic and self-conceited to the outer world; but a softie and kind hearted human being with a caring heart.

Somewhere along those fights, arguments and insults, I found myself admiring those deep, enchanted forest like eyes, dimples that can drown you in them without an escape and those gorgeous, silky and curly hair that made my fingers get lost in them. I found myself adoring the way his nose moved at times when he spoke and the way he gesticulated, while instructing the orders. The way he carried himself with such command, elegance and sophistication had me falling to my knees before him in surrender; though it was only in my mind. I fell deep into the quicksand with no one to save; losing me as the whole in the end.

Many nights I cried myself to sleep; hugging, whispering silent words and muffled sobs to my pillow when I saw him coming home with a girl or guy almost three days a week. I understood that we were only faking it but when I was ready to give our relationship a shot, why couldn't he? Maybe, life doesn't work that way. I expected him to acknowledge my presence in the least; only to be disappointed at the end. 

Did I deserve it? Probably yes. Why would he hurt me if I didn't deserve it in the first place? I have even seen that Blonde baboon exiting his cabin with a smug face which turned into an evil smirk when she looked at me. I felt like, she was telling me; "look! I've got your husband in my palms", which only added to the list of my depression. I hate it all. I just wished for peace in my life after leaving London; which I almost got for three years until a week ago. I couldn't blame Kenny or Jan for what they did because no one knows what happened between us. Not a single soul.

I wanted to pour it all out before my friends but my husband's respect and dignity mattered the most to me. I couldn't let him down in front of my own family and friends. I loved him too much to put him in such a position. I'm done now. I ain't going back the same path to get hurt again. I'm happy with my current life and I can't let him disrupt the little, calm and quiet world I've built after so much struggle and pain.

I just wish I could turn back time and get back to being the normal street fighter who was also working in a stationary shop to fill my sisters' stomach and heart.

It hurts so bad but I've learnt to live with it.

_ J.

________________________________________

It was a call day again and my alarm decided to annoy the hell out of me, ringing loudly at the god damn hour when even the sun isn't up in the sky yet. I had to be at the agency at 7 today; which meant I set the alarm for five fuxkin o clock in the chilly and cosy mornings of December. I had another nightmare, which didn't let me sleep a wink all through the night. I groaned tiredly before getting up from the comfortable, soft and mushy bed with a frown and decided to take a quick shower to freshen up.