That Broken Love Story

First Thoughts

There's this haunting emptiness I feel when you're around – physically and mentally. Any emotion I felt before you appeared is drained from me, leaving me numb. I'm filled with an unsettling discomfort that I'm all too familiar with; it's like an old friend – one that I never truly lost contact with. But not only do you shock my mind into going blank, you throw me into panic. My heart races and I'm unable to speak; unable to think; unable to breathe.

I feel like I'm surrounded by an inescapable darkness. There's nothing but unaccompanied space. I want you to leave. I need you to. But you refuse. No matter how many people command for your exit, you refuse. In fact, you get closer, taunting me, enjoying my struggle: my pain. In the state you've forced me into, I can't move. I can't even turn my head. Its fixed on one point at all times. My eyes are in a frozen glare, unable to shift, neither left nor right. They just gaze straight on. And they remain in their trance until someone forcibly breaks me out of it.

You ruin my days with these 'interactions', but it's the nights that hit the hardest. That's when everything comes back to me. The memories. The awful, damaged memories. Cold, lonely nights bring back one of the worst ones. Do you remember that day?

The sun shone bright and it looked so warm on the morning. However, my choice of wearing a black crop top and red, checkered trousers (of a rather thin material) soon proved that some things aren't always as they first appear. I wish I had known that this wouldn't be the only mistake I made. i could've prepared myself at the least.

It was actually nice for a while. We sat on those swings for hours, whilst it progressively got colder. During that time, you made me smile. You made me laugh. You made me happy. You even managed to make me feel genuinely wanted – a rarity for me.

But then you made me feel uncomfortable. But not in the way most would assume. I'm sure you were just trying to be funny, but, regardless of your intentions, it went wrong. It went so wrong. So wrong to the point it made me wish I never came.

Why did you even talk to them? You have to have known they'd come back over. What did you seriously expect? I know you're not stupid. They were so obviously at that age where they wanted to cause nothing but trouble for other people; you gave them full access to do so.

You said you cared about me. Then why wasn't that evident? You knew exactly how badly a struggled in crowded situations. You knew exactly how badly I struggled with anxiety. You knew all of this and yet acted oblivious.

Did you even hear what they said to me? When we were finally leaving? It absolutely crushed me. I felt so worthless. And you were...laughing? I had no clue that suicide was a joke – something to find funny. That's what they intended I did, and you knew that, but you didn't care. My heart had been racing and I had an agonising pain in my throat from holding back my tears. I wasn't up for any further embarrassment. But it's good to know you weren't bothered in the slightest buy what happened. But of course, you 'cared', so it's okay.

You know, I think that's what started it all.