Random Writings

Fever Dream

It's like I'm waking up from a fever dream.

I stare up at my ceiling. I'm thinking. There's no formation to my thoughts. I'm simply reflecting. I'm thinking of my past, how I was so happy. I'm thinking of my future, how happy I can be. I'm thinking of my present, how sad and depressing I am. I'm thinking about our society, how it's completely messed up. I'm thinking thoughts... thoughts of nothingness. I stare blankly at my white ceiling. I think these thoughts of what are and what could be. I realize that nothing comes without a price.

I am living a fine life, but I'm missing out on what could've been. It's fine in the sense that I do not struggle financially, only mentally. But, no one cares about our struggles in the department of minds. They don't care that we all want to die. They only care that we live and are able to work.

If we talk about our struggles, we are considered selfish. If we mention how we feel, we are degraded. We must not show weakness, we must not show strength. We only show what others want us to. We flow along this river, going along the twists and turns that others force us to. We don't get to choose. We don't actually have a free will.

I lay on my bed, facing up. I stare at that blank ceiling. I think of thoughts. Not good thoughts, but bad ones. I think how useless I am. I think of how disappointing I am. I think of how messed up I am. Yet, I cannot share these thoughts to man. If I do, I will be torn apart and tossed to the side. They do not feed the selfish, even though they are all the selfish ones.

We ask ourselves everyday "Why do we go on?"

There is no true answer. We follow the path carved for us by others. We cannot complain. No shown weakness, no shown strength. We are unable to move. We are bound in chains the moment we are born. There is no way to free ourselves. There is no escape from this game. This terrible game. The game called Life.

I stare at the white ceiling.

I am waking up from my fever dream. The same fever dream I've been in my whole life. I had an illusion covering my eyes. I was unaware of the real world. I look around and see dark nothingness. There is no life. There is no happiness. There is no freedom. Just people following the same path as everyday. Nothing new. They are trapped. We are all trapped.

As I age and learn, I wake up more. I am able to see what I want. I am able to feel and see this terrible game. I learn more about myself. I learn more about how to survive, more than just listening to our captures. I become more myself. I never knew what I liked, until I began to wake up. I never knew who I was, until I began to wake up.

I stare at my white ceiling. It's staring back. I wake up from my fever dream, thinking thoughts. Useless thoughts. Thoughts about myself and others. Thoughts about how we are trapped in the chains as they slowly grow tighter. Then, I shall wake...

Wake from this fever dream. 

((AN: so... hahahaha This is really depressing. But, I mean, it is what it is. Anyway, I wrote this while I was really sad so I was just trying to get my thoughts out. It actually really helps. Thanks for reading... though it's not like anyone reads my stuff anyway:/ well, have a good day/night to those who did read! Love you!!!))

Published: 2/23/2021