The New Millennium (Gerard Way)

Love Hate Love

Song 4 this chapter: Love Hate Love - Alice In Chains

Gerards POV:

After Ray closed the car door it was just me and y/n.

Alone.

"y/n?" I ask "Would you please say something to me?"

Silence. Not the comfortable kind, just the road, my breathing, and their breathing.

"I'm sorry"

More silence

"I don't know why I didn't tell you from the beginning. I guess I thought it just wasn't important. I want to apologize for the beach, It was all my fault, I should have never done that. I'm sorry"

They hate me now.

After a few more minutes of silence, we got to their house.

"Were home" I say as I pull into their driveway. The only response I get is the car door slamming before they almost run into their house. I do almost the same, practically speeding as I pull out of their driveway as I turn the volume dial-up on my stereo to drown out my thoughts.

It didn't fucking work.

I drive aimlessly for a bit hoping that fate would lead me somewhere decent before I pull over on some highway. I turn down the music a little bit before I cry. Why the fuck would I do something that fucking stupid? I'm so dumb. How do they feel, how do I feel, how does Judy feel? The thought of Judy makes this so much worse. My crying turns into a full-on sob.

Do I even like Judy anymore? No, do I even love her anymore? As I ask myself the question I realize I stopped loving her a long, long time ago. In the start, she wasn't like this though. "Why did she have to fucking change?" I yell through my sobs as my hands hit the steering wheel causing it to be covered in snot, drool, and tears. I'm so fucking pathetic.

I recline my seat a little trying my absolute hardest to relax, to think. To think about the red flags, to think about what went wrong. I attempt to remember the first time I knew she was ignoring my calls, I try so hard and it only ends in strain. I just want to know how we got here. she used to be a fucking goddess comparable to aphrodite to a fucking heroin addict. Her skin now stained with scabs now being a reminder of every time she shoots herself up.

I knew that I had to leave Judy, It was getting dangerous to even see her anymore. But I just can't go. It was like being with her was intoxicating even If it always ended in fights, then sex. Does she love me? I wanted to believe she did. I wanted to believe it so badly but sitting down here in my old car on this old highway made me feel different about things. There was so much hurt but I felt like I could face the monsters that have been plaguing my head for weeks. I'm actually going to do it. I'm going to break up with Judy.

But what about Y/N. Would they ever forgive me? I know that I hurt them but how do I fix this? When I kissed them I felt like I did when I was with Judy at first. When everything seemed to be sunshine and rainbows and we were happy. I had missed that feeling so much. But when I pulled away it had quickly faded into regret. This isn't who I am, I know that. I just want to know how Y/N felt. Did they feel like I did? It doesn't matter, does it? I made a mistake and now they hate me and they'll never talk to me again. Should I even tell the guys what happened? They're going to know why I'm suddenly not seeing Y/N, not telling them about the little things they do constantly.

I think I love them. Just thinking about them now makes me feel hurt. I feel like there are a thousand bricks on my chest and that they would build a dam for the river of tears leaking from my eyes. Why did I hurt them? They were the person that I wanted to protect the most in this world and I did the exact opposite.