Monster (Sequel to Who I Really Am (A Remus Lupin Love Story))

Chapter Seven

     I'm so confused. I used to always know where I stood, at the bottom of the "food chain", I guess you could say. For a while, I was at the top, or pretty close to it. Now, I'm back at the bottom, and I know that. But that isn't really what I'm confused about.
        Remus.
        How is it that he could be my most used word? My most thought of one too, even though he's only been in my life seven years now, and his name started becoming overused less than a year ago.
        Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus.
        I thought I knew where I stood with him. I thought he hated me for what I'd done, or at least strongly disliked me for it. But it seems that's not the case.  He either doesn't hate me as much as he should, or he has a great way of hiding it. Maybe the latter.
        Do I want to let him forgive me, though? What if I do it again, somehow? There's always going to be that big sore spot between us, that gap. I have a feeling it won't ever go away, no matter how much I apologize or how much he forgives me. Do I want that? Do I want us to be together, with that rift between us? Or do I want us to be apart?
        I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
        I'm tired of complication. I want things to be simple again; I want to know where I stand again.
        I sit up, pulling away the curtain around my four poster. I spent so much time thinking, all the food might be gone by the time I get to the Great Hall. I jog to the bathroom, splashing cold water onto my face.
        I always wondered what Remus found attractive about me. I've never found myself that attractive, not even before my parents and sister died. I could be pretty to the right person, but beautiful? No.
        Everything about me is soft. It seems like I have no angles. My eyes are light gray, in the shape of almonds. My eyebrows are nicely curved, not pointing at any angle. My lips are full, and my jaw is round, my only angle being my chin, with sticks out just a little. Everything about me screams soft, breakable, feminine, except for my tall stature.
        I noticed a long time ago that attractiveness is found in those who look unique. If I was stuck in a crowd, you couldn't pick me out with ease. Well, maybe you could, but only because of my fiery red hair. But, if it depended on facial features, you'd have a hard time.
        I'm not fazed by the fact that I'm not attractive. What bothers me is this: What did Remus see in my features that I can't see? What made him tell me that I was beautiful? Does he still think that?
        I guess I'll never know.
        I pull my eyes away from the mirror with a sigh. So many thoughts this morning. Good thing it's the weekend.

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"Bria!" Lily yells, waving to me from the front of the Gryffindor table.
I sit down next to her with a small smile, taking a piece of bacon from a basket. "Hey."
"I was wondering when you were going to come down, sleepyhead." She says, elbowing me playfully in the side.
I take a bite of my bacon. "Sorry. I was just lost in thought this morning." I glance around the Hall quickly, but he's not here. I sigh, out of longing or relief, I don't know which.
"What were you thinking about?" Lily asks.
"Oh, you know.. " I say, biting my lip. "Things. People. Places."
"Nouns?" She asks with a chuckle.
"Sure."
"I doubt that's all you were thinking about. Don't beat yourself up over it, okay? He'll come back to his senses or something, I'm sure of it." She gives me a small smile, and glances at her watch. "Oh crap! I'm late!" She pulls a clip out of her hair, and it falls back onto her shoulders. "Do I look okay?" She asks, searching her bag for something.
"You look fine!" I assure her, but she still continues to dig through her bag.
"Accio!" She mutters, and a small mirror flies out of her bag. She catches it, and studies herself in it, picking at her hair and straightening her shirt. "Good enough." She mutters, throwing the mirror back into her bag and heaving her bag over her shoulder.
"James?" I ask.
She nods.
"I figured. Have fun." I say bitterly, looking back to my plate.
"Hey." She says, putting her hand on my shoulder, "I told you not to beat yourself up over it, Bria. He'll come around."
        I nod, still not looking at her. She sighs, and I watch her leave out of the corner of my eye.