I'm Not Okay and That's Not Alright (Jeff the Killer x Ben Drowned)

Chapter 3

Ben's POV

   "Ben, we have to talk."

I felt as if my heart was going to pound out to of my chest. Jeff wanted to talk and Jeff usually doesn't talk about things, he just keeps joking around until whoever is happy again. But i'm suprised, being a extremely close friend of mine, that he took this long to finally figure out we had to talk about the situation. Before I even sat up to talk to him, I took a deep breath knowing that I needed to calm myself down or tears would be ever where. I sat up, my hands still feeling the soft green grass. I look at him, and right away I know he knew I was crying. The way he stared at me, full of care. That scared me to be honest. I never saw Jeff like this. He was usually never serious and always with a wide smile over his face. But now all that happiness was lost deep within him. I could feel it, I could feel how uncomfortable he was. But I couldn't blame him. This was new for him and I can relate to how that feels. I think everyone could. And even though the smile carved in his face showed happiness I knew that concern ran through his body, eating away at him. And I know he hates the feeling. Due to his old past, he hates the feeling of not being in control, being there with a problem but with so many missing pieces. I brought my attention back to down to my lap, but his eyes stayed on me not leaving for one second.
"What do you want, Jeff. Look i'm fine I don't want to talk about it. It's stupid and I should let it go, okay. so just fucking leave." I murmered. I was so tired of explaining myself and by this point I just wanted everything to be forgotten. Jeff was probably not gay and I would get hurt more. My thoughts were interuppted by Jeff's hand being placed with care on my shoulder. My heart started to beat faster and the butterflies gained power also in my stomach.

"Ben, shut up. I know you need to talk about this. And it sucks seeing you so upset. and being your bestfriend seeing you miserble breaks my heart. so, please just tell me what happen" Jeff replied to my outburst sighing softly after.I looked at him seeing his eyes full of hurt. Damn, how he gets to me. 
"Well, Jeff. To be honest..I-I saw you and Jane kiss.." I trailed off only to see a look of confusion spread across his face which made me look down. He was about to say something before I cut him off. "And I know you might be thinking what's the big problem and you might be just so confused so please just listen to me and let me explain.." I requested and he nodded agreeing that he would. "So, let me start off by saying what happpen in my point of view." I stated regaining my explaining. " I was about to go outside knowing you were there since you told me and I was completly bored. So, I started making my way to the backyard and once I walked out there all I saw were you and Jane shoving each others tongues down your throats." I shook my head in disgust. "It got to me so much, Jeff. I can't even explain." He looked down at me still with confusion. 
"But Ben, why did it get to you?" He asked and I sighed knowing I needed to tell him. "Well first off, Jane's a complete bitch and second I-I-" I stuttered "Spit it out, Ben!" I hesistated before looking up at Jeff. "Jeff, I love you.." Jeff looked at my teary eyes with his widened. Silence. And that's when Jeff ran off. Letting me drown in the silence. And I hated that feeling.

Jeff's POV

I paniced. I didn't have one clue in my mind he would say those three little words. I love you. They lingered in my mind as I ran to my room slamming the door behind me. I don't know how to reply. I thought he would hate Jane and say that he didn't like that I kissed her. And when Jane said Ben got in a situation I never thought the situation would be that. And never in 100 years would I think my own bud would be gay. I have no problem with it to be honest, but I don't thin i'm gay. I mean as a kid I would question it but now I don't know. Ben is great friend and all but I just don't know. I laid on the bed in silence. So many thoughts of Ben, and him being gay. How should I react? What do I say? Should I have not run off like the way I did? FUCK! I need to stop thinking about it. I need sleep. Yeah, sleep would help a lot.

7 p.m.

I woke up turning to the clock that sat on my nightstand. It read only 7:30 p.m. Dammit! I wish I would sleep the whole way through today but I guess not. I stretched before sitting up and standing up walking to the door. I reconsidered my decsion going downstairs not wanting to see Ben and being in a awkward situation. I hated awkward situations! but, I'd have to face it sometime. and plus, I kinda deicided what I wanted to say to him. I was gonna say I would think about it. I wasn't fully gay yet, but I still was attracted to Ben kinda. His blonde hair, His beautiful laugh that if he'd laugh to hard he snort slightly. So adorable. I think I might be Bi? I don't know. I shook off the thoughts and made my way downstairs acting like i wasn't looking for anyone so the other members in the house would question me. I looked everywhere, even Ben's "secret spot" where he would go with me to talk about things that bothered him when he went on computer bases scaring people. Sometimes he really hated it, since people would actually tell their horrible stories of pasts. He would cry sometimes, I'd hug him, joke around till he finally laughed and smiled. I looked in every nook and cranny once more before sighing frustrated. He was probably out or in his room. and I don't like bothering him when he's in his room. But, now I had too. I made my to his room knocing three times then waiting. No answer. I knocked three times a little louder "Ben?" I said softly. No response. I jiggled the handle of his door and it opened with ease. I furrowed my eyebrows at the fact it was open. As I opened the door, the room was pitch black. And there was no light from his window meaning his shades were down. I flipped the switch making light show his plain room. I dropped to my knees, my mouth hanging open to the sight I was seeing. Ben, with deep cuts carving out GLITCH. He was passed out when I crawled over to him taking him into my arms. Tears formed, and I screamed. I hated when he said he was a glitch. and the fact it was carved deep into his body made me cringe. Made me want to carve crazy in my arm. so we could be at least together. 

Ben's POV

WHAT THE HELL! Why in the world would Jeff just run off?! Just leave the boy in depression, rotting inside alone! I ripped at the grass squeezing my eyes tightly shut. How dare he! My love started to disapper but I knew they would come back. I just had to hear his voice and I'd fall for him all over again. All over again till my heart would rip out of my chest. It took me a few minutes till I ran to my room slamming the door and pacing the room. It was only 2 p.m. I was going crazy, I was numb. How could I take all this pain?! How could I stay?! I JUST WANT IT ALL TO GO AWAY! I pulled at my hair soon hitting my head wanting the voices to go away. To disappear. jane was right, Jeff is attract to girls! ONLY GIRLS! My chest ached, my heart raced. I needed something to take it away! I wanted to drown. Just like before when I was young!! I must've passed out from all the blows to my head because all I remeber is going black then seeing the clock say 6:45 p.m. But the madness was still their. I needed relieve. I ran to the bathroom breaking a razor remembering how my sister did it when I walked in on her. I took the razor and my eyes twinkled. I then took it to my wrist deeply writing GLITCH. And I felt the soft sting take me into complete darkness. Taking me to wonderland. Then, next all I heard was soft beeps of a heart monitor and my slow breathing. Was I dying..Again?