this is me trying || s.r.

chapter • 2

I stop by my place, taking a warm shower to remove the tension off of my muscles. As I stand under the water all I can think of is the good times. We met at her cafe. Sarah had this amazing christmas decoration that I had to come in and order a coffee. We hit it off immediately. We didn't spend a second away from each other the first three months or so, we were inseparable. She's easily one of the funniest people I know which is one of the reasons why it's really hard for me to do this, breaking up I mean.

Knowing that you still love each other but not having that spark anymore is sad. I truly believe there's a big difference between loving someone and being in love with them. My personal take on this is that being in love is worth the waiting, always. Whereas, loving someone doesn't always mean what you think it is.

Love is overrated, it is. You can love so many things. It's not fair to determine limits for love. I love my job. I love when people put their tongue behind their front teeth while laughing. I love the excitement behind choosing the movie you're gonna watch with your date, even if it's not the first date and you're already official. I love when people get excited over something that they forget to breathe while talking. I love the way kids don't know how to get their hair out of their face so they kinda slap themselves trying to put it behind their ears. I love how people whose love language is physical touch keep touching you while talking. I love Sarah, just not in the way you'd wait for things to get better, not anymore.

Basically dragging my feet on the ground, I throw a pair of black jeans and a sweatshirt with a turtleneck underneath. The November chill is really showing itself, it's pretty cold but I really don't want to drive there. It's like four stations away with the subway so I put on my coat and lock the door behind me. As I put my headphones on, I feel snowflakes touching my nose, looking up, I see little white dots.

Wishing I had a pair of gloves, I rub my hands together to warm up a bit. The reason I'm cold is not mainly the weather but what's about to happen in a matter of minutes. Deep down inside, I know Sarah won't put up a fight but rather just accept it. Even though that's what I want, easy and at once, a part of me wants her to try to fix things but we both know we're past that point.I climb the subway stairs to be welcomed by more snow. The weather is just like how it was when we first met. It was, I think, even a bit colder than this. Our first date was when she was done at the cafe for the night, she had made coffee for both of us as we walked down the streets. I'd mentioned that just walking around without anything in particular to do was my kinda date so she'd offered me just that. It was so easy back then, oh, how badly I wish it stayed that way.

I knock on the door cause it is inevitable. I hear footsteps before she cracks the door open. There's a smile on her face but I can tell it's not genuine, it looks like it's taking everything in her to not frown.

"Hi," I almost whisper. "Can I come in?" She steps back a little, allowing me to pass by her and sit on the yellow couch we have countless memories with. I bring my hands on my knees, feeling the slight sweat forming on my forehead.

She sits across from me. "Hey, what have you been up to?" The tension is obvious, it's like we both know what's about to happen.  "Oh, you know, usual work stuff. We have a week mandatory off, just doing paperwork so that's nice."

She shakes her head. "I mean, you hate paperwork, I doubt it's as nice as you make it sound to be."

"Yeah, you're right. It's fine though." It's quiet all of a sudden, it feels like you ran out of small talk topics. You both open your mouths at the same time.

"I think we-"

"I was thinking-"

I gesture for her to go ahead with what she was going to say. She takes a deep breath and we both know how tonight's gonna end.