this is me trying || s.r.

chapter • 3

It's been abouth a month since Sarah and I broke up. I've kept myself busy, I tried anyway. Things have been hectic at work, we've had 4 cases in the last month, one includes my mental breakdown, so that's nice.

The Thanksgiving dinner at Rossi's was nice, we all had a chance to let loose between all the work. Pen had the worst hangover ever, her eyes wouldn't even open the first two hours she was awake. I didn't go crazy, maybe three glasses of white wine. I did, however, have a stiff neck due to falling asleep on the couch.

We didn't even have time to do paperwork properly so I'm expecting a 4 cases worth, piles of folders on my desk today.

After our little, I guess you could say that, fight of ours with Reid, things have settled down a bit. It's still clear as day that we don't wanna be around each other but we eventually accepted our fate. It became petty arguments, I don't know if it's any better but at least we don't wanna chop each other's head off. I can tell Hotch knows about the fight cause he's been extra careful not pairing the two of us together. Even when he does, there's always someone else with us.

I know this can't keep go on forever but I'm willing to string along with it as long as Hotch lets me.

I've also been thinking about getting a kitten. I'm more of a dog person, but with being out working on cases all the time, I can't commit to that kind of responsibilty. My life feels empty lately and someone loving me unconditionally sounds something like I need. Is it a healthy coping mechanism? I don't even know nor do I care.

I grab my go bag just in case, praying I won't actually need it and throw myself into driver's seat.

Christmas is in 4 days. I don't really celebrate it, you know, not actually believing it and all. I don't find the concept of religion approachable, it's not the smartest thing to worship someone to... go to heaven?

If I'm a 'good' person cause I'm afraid of some religion then I'm not a good person, simple as that. I don't know whether there's a 'god' or any supernatural existence but I'm a woman of science and refuse to believe any explanation a book, apparently (?) sent by god, has to offer. I am purely just trying to be the best version of myself, for myself.

It always is fun to celebrate with the team though. It's just about being around each other. Garcia insisted we do 'Secret Santa' and it took awhile for her to convince us cause the last time we did
it, it was 3 years ago. The second everyone pulled names, we knew who got who and to top it all off, Rossi got himself and didn't tell anyone. He said and I quote 'Anything you can afford, I don't need.'

I got Em, which is pretty neat. I have a few ideas but haven't decided yet. We tried not looking at each other while pulling the names and made sure no one got themselves, not risking that again. We also invited ourselves to Rossi's. He acts like he hates it but we all know he has the most fun. There's no way for us to be together and not have fun, to be honest. I feel incredibly lucky to have such a family. They are the best.

I park my car and head upstairs. As I step into the bullpen, the piles of folders become clear to my eyes. Fuck, there's no way on earth I can finish these before Christmas. I also didn't get coffee on my way.

I groan, taking off my coat. "I have a shit ton of paperwork and no coffee. Today is not a good day." Derek grins.

"Baby, I'm always at your service, you know that."

I raise my eyebrows. "I do? I'm just finding out about this now. Can I get a cup of coffee then?""Yeah, you can." He gets up to the kitchen. I really don't want to start paperwork right now so I open up a tab on the computer and look for adoption sites. I see a few, a certain black one gets my attention. He's so little, his eyes seem infected, apparently his mom died. I get the contact info, shut the tab closed and bury my face in the files.