Repression Without A Cause

1

Will drops his keys onto the counter as he comes home from work. He seems very tired, his face gains a new crease each week from the stress. He locks the door, takes off his shoes, belt, and jacket, and lies on his couch, letting his body go completely limp. He recognizes that he is home, but his body feels out of touch with his surroundings. He lets his mouth be slightly ajar as he stares at his knees, thinking. This is normal for Will, and he knows there's not much he can do to fix this- at least that's what he tells himself.
He places a hand on his chest and keeps his lifeless gaze as he mumbled "I am a girl, I am always a girl" to himself. He repeats this, sometimes saying his true name, as he slowly slides along his couch until he is laying on his back. Trans suppression- you'd think it would stop after someone actually transitions, but for some poor souls, it never goes away.
Will is a very talented man. A brilliant, kind-hearted, and honest man. But these qualities mean nothing if one genuinely sees no future for themselves because of their immeasurable pain. He can commit to anything, but he has no desire to do so. He's majoring in computer science, always had a knack for it, but he only does it because he knows he excels in any subject he studies. He wants a well paying job but has no desire to spend the money. His goals are simple- be warm, eat well enough, work harder than anyone else, look like a real man, and then kill himself before he turns 35. Is there a reason? Maybe, but sometimes it's simply the pain caused by merely being a transsexual. Basic human needs become increasingly difficult to meet, and being trans is a long and lonely path, even if it is the right one. And more simply, some people can never get over the fact that they are trans because nobody wants to be trans anyway.

He continues this routine of repression for a while. Standing naked in front of a mirror, telling himself he is a girl, and on bad days he'll masturbate to his own image just to force himself to accept it as it is. It's a fruitless and harmful cycle, but he doesn't mind. He's very resilient to the point that he accepts the worst situations because he knows he won't complain. Thinks he needs to "man up" and accept that he is not a man- you could write a comedy about this. Today is not a good day, but not the worst, so he keeps himself limited to crying on his couch. He's a silent crier, you'd only notice if you asked him to talk.

There is only one thing that interrupts this cycle, and that is the love of his life. He hasn't kissed her, but he hasn't loved someone as much as he loves her. She's also trans, and this by itself keeps his thoughts in check because he does not think ill of her because she's trans. But what prevents him from denying his feelings all together is how sweet and patient she is, especially when he's in this state of mind. Sometimes he'll ignore her just to further his repression, but a man can only ignore a cute girl for so long.

After some time passes, who knows how long he's been lying on this couch like a loser, his phone rings from his jacket pocket, which is lying on the floor. He lets it ring the first time, but it rings again a few moments later so he knows it's Teo trying to bother him. He sits up and wipes his nose with the back of his hand and goes to grab his phone. He picks up the phone and before he can even talk, Teo starts talking.

"Hey, I'm coming over to bring you a smoothie, it's got that lemon shit you like-"
He interrupts her, "You don't need to, I already had lunch"
"Then save it for later, I already have it and I don't like lemon"
"Alright." He sounds more dismissive than intended.

There's some background noise on Teo's end of the line- Will assumes she's going to be at his complex any minute and looks out the window for her car as she awkwardly laughs at his tone.
"Are you doing okay over there?" She's lighthearted, but still noticeably concerned.

Will shrugs as if she could see him. "I could be worse, could be a lot better"
"So you feel pretty bad?"
"I'm still alive, it's just the usual."
She speaks more directly, "That's not what I asked", she then softens her tone "Do you feel pretty crappy right now, Will?"