(Warning mentions of heroin)
Here, have a couple of my favorite John Mulaney quotes.
One hundred drunk, white children, yelling 'fuck. da. po-lice.'
There is a horse, loose in the hospital!
I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine how much stress I am under.
I look back on being 17 and think, 'Oh my God, how did I not die?'
I can't listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called 'Tonight's no good. How about wednesday? Oh, you're in Dallas Wednesday? Let's not see each other for eight months and it doesn't matter at all.'
My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I'll apologize to you.
Now, I don't know if you've been following the news, but I've been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time.
You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.
College was like a four-year game show called 'Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?'
We started chanting, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.
In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.
If it's something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it's truly funny, then it's worth doing. Things aren't worth doing for the sake of being controversial.
YOU ARE READING
Your Comments Your Book
Aléatoire😜 Hey ever wondered what other people wanna add to a book? Whatever you say in comments will be added to this book 1 chapter all copied and pasted so feel free to do anything even a small hi will get its own chapter and with your @ for a shout out...
