Honesty

Honesty By MCZX

In Life, You are only honest with three people

Your parents or parent-types only if they are great parents. 

Your best friends because let's face it, they aren't your best friends if you can't be honest with them. And your lover...well maybe not your lover because cheating is and could be a thing. Then again your lover is suppose to be your best friend at the end of the day. Someone you can really be yourself around plus that counts as a form of best friend? Let's just say it counts.

The Third is yourself. You should always be honest with yourself right? So let's be honest

Lying to yourself is like ignoring a house that's on fire or writing your name in the death note or totally letting people get one over on you all the time and being fine with it. Isn't that swell?

It's never going to end well.

But I understand why people sometimes choose to ignore that elephant called honesty.
It's convenient and continues the lies we tell.
Especially when Reality is hard to swallow and all you can do is Yell about it.
I haven't been necessarily lying to myself...but the trails point to constant ignoring of how I've been truly feeling 

Like at the moment I'm currently in between the moods of "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" and "If I Was Your Girlfriend" And "I'm On It".

Good news is I've been getting my steps in and molding a new an improved, battle scarred, mentally focused, honest, genuine and somewhat transparent version of me without losing who I am in the process.
So I can actually be happy for not just myself, but everyone from my close friends, family, and folks I used to love without having to take a detour down the tunnels of bitterness, envy, regret, doubt, and overall rage. 

Just pure "I'm glad that worked out for you, I hope the same happens to me" Confidence came to me with a lot of keys and told me yesterday "There's levels to this..." I'm about level 6 Giddy because I'm understanding all of this

With no questions

Honestly it's hard, but I'm taking time, my best weapon.
Honestly, let's pivot for a second
They say that!
I say That!
I hate when I have to answer
THE Question my friends ask

"Are you doing okay Matt"?

Here comes the lie!

"I'm okay....yeah" or any variation

I know it's wellness check And That's conspicuous unless the motives were ulterior.
Point is I shouldn't be ambiguous
And neither should the check.
It's like I have a Prophus or Genjix
Saying "do they really care? Matt they could take your feelings and report it elsewhere...tread lightly my friend".
Okay Tao, I hear you...I do tread light, but I'm so tired like John of this constant fight.
Plus my real ones don't spread my reports.
Here I am, an exhausted man writing with my pen...
old rusty, still dropping bombshells, writing these words in the hopes the reader comes in and understands how I feel.
It wouldn't be real if I wasn't honest.
The wishing well granted me the progress I needed.
I just wish I wasn't accurate most of the time.
Weird right?

Let's pivot one final time...this maybe the most serious

It's hard to stay strong for everyone. Yeah....everyone. Your family, Baby brothers, and Your friends who want nothing more than to see you happy just like you want to see them. 

Continuing.....Honestly, I really want to crumble
I need a break....But my roots too deep
I got too much life in these palms
By the way of those trees
Bending and never breaking
no matter how Windy
Or how life continues test.
I have to be the very best like no one ever was
Remember?
Who else is going to do for you?
Numbah 21
Even if I have to fake smile Fake happiness, wait be fake?
To get to breakthroughs?
That's not what it takes.
Remember you are a pro in the art of being genuine
So don't sell your self short and also Don't be too transparent or open
Because baby you'll potentially lose And trust me I know failure
Plus their little buddy named RT
You know Rejection & Timing, the friend and foe that fuels me well, but makes me question all the tales like

"Is this real, is this fake, are you saying all these sweet words just to calm the impending flames? Am I still Special? Am I worthless? Do i not deserve love? Do I know what real hurt is? Am I too dramatic? Am I overreacting? Was I too honest? Was I not honest enough? Am I too Gentle? Am I too Rough? Do I make my friends happy? Do I make them sad? Do I mean anything to y'all? Am I going to be okay? Am I tricking myself? You know bout Pangea? Here's a real question, Do you like me? No Do you love me? do you want me? Is this your real phone number? Is that your real name??"

I know immature things, but questions that need answers.
Sometimes I need affirmation.
I'm working on that...so I won't need it at all and whatever I'm told I can believe it like that orange ninja or the leaves in that season...if they are orange it's no question it's fall.
Another aspect I'm working on is not getting too close, there is some risk there, but understand I don't want to get close just to eventually forget.

I wanted to grow old one day with you
Attached to my hip, my ride or die, my love, now I don't think that idea exists.
But I'm hopeful that love is real...what's the point of putting up fits?
One day someone will put up with...Matt 

I gotta keep my mind intact, I have to be strong...to stick around for the glorious moments life has in store for me. To stay around for my family and my friends....To stay...to stay...to....stay.

Honestly I'm not well, thanks for asking.
I'm not depressed or sad either I'm just here...hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Listening to Wally...Being like "dang that is so sad and yet so beautiful."
And It's crucial to be fair with yourself at times like this.

I remembered the saying

"You have to smile even if you have no reason to...."Well I do have a reason, I am alive.
After all, I want to make the world smile and I want to make you smile.
So you and me have miles of work to do...it's gonna be giant task
I know taking a premature exit would be defiant and easy
But what's the fun in that?
Understand that will never be me...I promise.
I'm too precious to do that to you all
I run towards the flames, the pressure, the pain and I hope to God
I come out on the other side greater man.
Honestly speaking.